A Friend I've Loved for a Long Time - Chapter 4

After blowing out the candles and making wishes, the group played card games for a while.

The noise in the living room didn’t gradually die down until the early hours of the morning. Although the four of them worked in different fields now, they lived close to each other and met several times a month, so their bond hadn’t drifted despite their careers.

“I’m staying at Zhizhi’s tonight,” Jiang Yan’an suddenly said after finishing the final agreed-upon round of cards, shaking Yun Zhi’s arm.

Yun Zhi looked up and saw Zhu Qingmeng staring at her arm. She offered an awkward yet polite smile before trying to push Jiang Yan’an off. Seeing it was useless, she said, “Why don’t you stay too? I’ll get a room ready for the both of you.”

Everyone knew Zhu Qingmeng was a total “jealous jar.” Even though they were best friends, Qingmeng hated seeing Jiang Yan’an cling to anyone else.

Zhu Qingmeng nodded and pulled Jiang Yan’an up from the sofa. “Let’s go. Time to set up the room.”

“I’m not going! I’m not going! I don’t want to sleep with you, I want to sleep with Zhizhi—”

No matter how much Jiang Yan’an protested, she was dragged into the guest room by Zhu Qingmeng.

Yun Zhi’s apartment had three bedrooms. Since the three of them stayed over often, they each had a designated room. After the couple left, the living room fell silent.

Nan Qiao was sitting on the rug, several empty bottles of alcohol scattered on the coffee table. When Yun Zhi turned around, Nan Qiao was propping her head up with her hand, watching her.

“I’ll go tidy up the other guest room. You can head out tomorrow,” Yun Zhi said softly, crouching by the table to organize the empty bottles into a recycling bin.

Nan Qiao had a somewhat handsome, sharp look with deep features. Having had a few drinks, her cheeks were flushed with red, making her look a bit cuter than usual.

“Are you drunk?” Yun Zhi asked when she didn’t get a response.

After a long pause, Nan Qiao sat up straight, her hand falling to her side. She asked tonelessly, “Zhizhi, what did you wish for last year?”

“Why do you ask?” Yun Zhi looked down, unwilling to answer.

“Did it have anything to do with me?”

“Not really.” To Yun Zhi, loving her was her own business. It was unrequited, and she was willing to accept the loss. She didn’t want to dwell on it. “I’m going to go prep the room. Sit tight for a bit.”

As soon as Yun Zhi stood up, a wave of warmth hit her wrist. She looked back; Nan Qiao was gripping her wrist, her eyes full of conflict and struggle.

This wasn’t the first time Yun Zhi had seen Nan Qiao like this. At first, she thought maybe Nan Qiao had some secret reason for her behavior. But later, event after event shattered that fantasy. There was no secret—she simply didn’t like her back. Even if she did, it was just the love of a friend.

Every time Yun Zhi realized this clearly and tried to pull away, she would be called back by Nan Qiao’s tenderness.

After waiting for Nan Qiao to speak to no avail, Yun Zhi tried to pull her hand away. In the next moment, Nan Qiao spoke: “Can I sleep with you? It feels like we haven’t had a late-night talk in a long time.”

Yun Zhi couldn’t believe her ears. For a moment, she forgot to answer.

“Please?” Nan Qiao’s gaze was no longer lost; she was acting spoiled.

Yun Zhi snapped out of it and slowly pushed the hand off her wrist. She took a deep breath. Words spoken by those without desire are truly the most hurtful.

To Nan Qiao, it was just a talk between friends. To her, it wasn’t. Even if she didn’t do anything, she couldn’t be that indifferent. She would still feel pathetic and despicable.

“I told you before, I only sleep with my girlfriend,” Yun Zhi chuckled, pretending to joke casually. “Do you want to be my girlfriend?”

Ever since she realized her orientation, Yun Zhi had been careful about these things. Others might think it was conservative or weird, but to her, it was a matter of principle. Even if, in a hypothetical world, she could share a bed with a friend, that friend would never be Nan Qiao. She had a guilty conscience; how could she ever agree to that?

Nan Qiao lowered her eyes, her fingertips tightening. Her face was reflected in the clean, polished surface of the coffee table.

“I’m just kidding. You know I like you, yet you still dare to say things like that. Aren’t you afraid I’ll do something to you?” Accustomed to the lack of response, Yun Zhi laughed and changed the subject.

“Do you know what my wish was last year?” Nan Qiao didn’t follow the change of subject. She returned to the initial question.

Yun Zhi sighed. “What?”

“That you won’t leave me, won’t hate me, and will always be by my side. The same for this year,” Nan Qiao said seriously, punctuating every word, her voice gentle.

Yun Zhi froze, her heart a mess of complex emotions.

What was this? Rejecting her, yet demanding she never leave.

“If you keep doing this, I’m really going to think you want to date me.”

As soon as Yun Zhi said this, Nan Qiao lowered her eyes again, remaining silent for a long time.

Under the dim yellow lights, Yun Zhi couldn’t see her expression clearly, but she could guess. Nan Qiao was surely at a loss for how to reject her, as usual.

Thinking of this, Yun Zhi exhaled. A feeling different from her usual self rose within her. She no longer wanted to maintain the peaceful facade. She asked: “What am I to you? Am I really just a friend, or am I a ‘spare tire’ (backup)?”

Nan Qiao panicked. She stood up quickly and grabbed Yun Zhi, denying it. “I never treated you as a backup.”

“Then say it. Why do you want me to stay by your side forever? You have so many friends—why is it that I specifically can’t leave? Is it really just because we’re friends?”

The emotions she had suppressed for so long finally exploded. Yun Zhi’s low shout left Nan Qiao speechless for a long time. It even brought Jiang Yan’an and Zhu Qingmeng out from their room.

Seeing the confrontation, Zhu Qingmeng grabbed Jiang Yan’an—who was about to speak—and pulled her back into the room.

The sound of the door closing didn’t break the awkward atmosphere. Yun Zhi was more resolute today than ever before. Nan Qiao had a gut feeling: if she didn’t fix this today, she might truly lose Yun Zhi.

“Aren’t we… best friends? Back in eighth grade, we promised to be best friends for life.” Nan Qiao gripped her hand tightly, trying to make her remember those early days.

Yes. In eighth grade, Yun Zhi had just lost her best friend. It was Nan Qiao who came to her side to comfort her and told her they would be best friends forever.

Looking at it that way, it was Yun Zhi’s fault. Her fault for letting her feelings change, for falling in love with her best friend.

But…

“Best friends? So you reject people’s confessions to me on my behalf? So whenever anyone gets close to me, you show this possessiveness and tell me to stay away from them? And you tell me it’s because we’re ‘best friends’?”

“They weren’t good enough for you. I checked for you. I didn’t want you to get hurt,” Nan Qiao tried to explain.

“Isn’t that a bit too much for a ‘best friend’ to handle?” Yun Zhi sneered, her mood sinking further. “Actually, I’d love to know when you started caring so much about my love life. Freshman year? Sophomore year? Junior year?”

The first time Yun Zhi found out Nan Qiao was rejecting people for her was in their junior year of college. She had accidentally stumbled upon Nan Qiao meeting someone privately; the person was handing Nan Qiao a gift box meant for Yun Zhi.

That was the first time Yun Zhi realized what it felt like to be jealous without having a title. Anger, sadness, and disappointment gnawed at her heart over and over.

Because they were just friends, she had no status or right to ask. Even when she did, she was brushed off with excuses.

Later, when that girl happened to run into her and strike up a conversation, Yun Zhi was so upset that Nan Qiao hadn’t told her about it that she was quite cold to the girl. It wasn’t until Jiang Yan’an told her later that the person the girl actually liked was her (Yun Zhi).

Nan Qiao didn’t love her, yet she didn’t allow anyone else to love her either. How could someone be so overbearing?

Yun Zhi had always been a crier. Thinking of all this, her eyes began to burn, and a sour feeling rose in her chest.

What was any of this?

“I’m sorry, Zhizhi. I won’t do it again. Never again. You… please don’t cry.” Nan Qiao saw Yun Zhi’s eyes turning red and panicked. she reached out to touch her, but Yun Zhi dodged.

“You know I cry easily,” Yun Zhi took a deep breath, fanning her face with her hand. “I’m going to go tidy the room.”

The previous interrogation was forgotten. Yun Zhi no longer fixated on Nan Qiao’s answer; she fled the living room in a panic and went into the second guest room.

She made the bed, her mind drifting because of the earlier scene. It took her twenty minutes to finish the room.

The living room was empty now. A phone left on the sofa had its screen lit up, showing WeChat messages:

Nan Shan Qiao Mu: [The painting isn’t finished yet, I’m going home first.]

Nan Shan Qiao Mu: [I’m sorry about earlier. I’ll be more careful about boundaries in the future.]

Nan Shan Qiao Mu: [Can big-hearted little Zhizhi stop being mad at Qiaoqiao?]

Nan Shan Qiao Mu: [Rest well. Goodnight. Your Qiaoqiao is already reflecting on her mistakes against the wall.]

At the end was a sticker of someone facing a wall in reflection. It was one Yun Zhi had made using a photo of Nan Qiao. Nan Qiao always claimed she didn’t like it, but she used it every time she apologized.

Yun Zhi replied “Goodnight,” tossed her phone on the sofa, and lay back to stare at the chandelier. After a while, her eyes began to ache and fill with tears.

Maybe she should convince herself that being friends was enough.

But only she knew: the only reason she and Nan Qiao could maintain this relationship was because she wasn’t dating. If one day she chose a new relationship, the first person she would distance herself from would be Nan Qiao.

She couldn’t let a future partner watch her interact with a friend she had loved for ten years. She didn’t want a future partner to go through the grievances she had suffered.

Perhaps that was why she hadn’t been able to date anyone else for so long. She couldn’t forget, she couldn’t start, and she was stuck in a dead loop.

In the guest room, two people were currently pressing their ears against the door to listen to the living room. Hearing no more sound, Jiang Yan’an quietly cracked the door open and asked worriedly, “Is Zhizhi crying? Should I go out and comfort her?”

“It might be better to let her be for a bit.” Zhu Qingmeng bent down to look at Jiang Yan’an, who was glued to the door. Finding her cute, she rubbed her head. “You know how it feels when other people fight; why don’t you care about whether I’m upset?”

“What do you have to be upset about? You’re the one who wanted to break up with me.”

“When did I ever want to break up with you?” Zhu Qingmeng frowned, confused.

“I told you to delete that woman, and you didn’t. Isn’t that basically saying you want to break up?” Jiang Yan’an glared at her, as if saying “Don’t even try to deny it.”

“I didn’t. I said in two days—once the collaboration is finished in two days, I’ll delete her.” Zhu Qingmeng sighed. She had long since grown accustomed to Jiang Yan’an’s strange triggers for anger and tried her best to soothe her.

The two bickered, momentarily forgetting about Yun Zhi until the door was pushed open. Jiang Yan’an was pushed back and sat on the floor, realizing they’d been caught spying.

Yun Zhi was standing at the door holding a blanket. She had intended to knock, but the door had swung open so easily. Seeing Jiang Yan’an on the floor, it wasn’t hard to guess what they were doing.

They were obviously eavesdropping.

“Aren’t you two fighting? I brought you an extra blanket.” Yun Zhi handed the blanket to Zhu Qingmeng and stepped back, leaving them staring at each other.

“She seems okay,” Jiang Yan’an said, snatching the blanket and rolling herself into a ball on the bed. She added, “Honestly, Nan Qiao is too much. If we weren’t all friends, I’d want to punch her. Plenty of people like Zhizhi—she doesn’t need Nan Qiao. When I find a suitable person, I’m definitely introducing them to Zhizhi. Let Nan Qiao regret it.”

Even though they were a group of four, there were levels of closeness. Jiang Yan’an was closer to Yun Zhi, while Zhu Qingmeng interacted more with Nan Qiao.

“You see other people’s situations quite clearly. Didn’t you also say you only saw me as a friend when you first rejected me?” Zhu Qingmeng pulled back the blanket and climbed in, ignoring Jiang Yan’an’s protests.

Jiang Yan’an: “…” Calculation error.