Appearing on a Marriage Show Before Getting Divorced - Chapter 16

“—You’re about to ‘touch the grass.’ Come here, don’t stay so close. Come to Mommy’s safe zone.”

Soya had no idea what was going on. She even helpfully brushed away the weeds near Ruan Youran. Youran looked at her two moms and shook her head. Her mood inexplicably plummeted, and she headed inside with the picked peppers.

Soya squinted, looking blankly at Ruan Qiu. What’s wrong with Rose?

Inside, the aroma of the bubbling red-oil hotpot base filled the room. Soya ate heartily; her straightforward and cheerful personality allowed her to quickly bond with the two mothers over a few drinks.

Youran ate very little. Before she was eighteen, she couldn’t live without spicy food. But after getting together with Chu Nian, she stopped. Chu Nian had a light palate, and since she and Chu Qing (Mom #2) shared that preference, Youran naturally adapted to match them. Back then, Ruan Qiu (Mom #1) had been sourly jealous for a long time, grumbling that her daughter had grown up and her “elbow was turning outward” (siding with an outsider).

Ruan Qiu and Soya chatted quite a bit. Ruan Qiu asked with a chuckle, “How did you end up becoming our Jianjian’s suitor?”

Hearing the name “Jianjian,” Soya laughed and turned to Youran. “You have a nickname? ‘Jianjian’? That’s so cute.”

Youran stared blankly at the boiling pot.

She remembered a date with Chu Nian back in university. She wanted spicy boiled fish. When a massive plate arrived, Chu Nian didn’t touch it; she just watched her eat. Youran got annoyed and snapped, “You’re always like this, we never like the same food. I’m not eating with you anymore, it’s no fun at all.”

Chu Nian raised an eyebrow. “Then who can you eat with?”

Youran, wanting to tease her, casually named a suitor. Chu Nian froze for a moment. Then, in silence, she picked up her chopsticks and started eating the spicy fish.

Youran panicked. “I was just joking with you!”

Chu Nian’s eyes turned bright red from the spice. She looked at Youran and said, “I can do it.”

Later that night, Chu Nian ended up in the hospital with acute gastroenteritis. Youran’s heart turned green with regret. What pained her most was that while Youran was pampered by two moms even for a common cold, Chu Nian’s mother only rushed over briefly to pay the bill. She had turned to Youran and said, “Youran, Auntie has an important meeting tomorrow morning. I have materials to prepare. Watch over Nian Nian for me.”

Youran hadn’t known how to feel at that moment. After Chu Nian’s mother left, Youran held Chu Nian’s hand with red eyes. Watching her brow furrow in pain, she swore to herself: From now on, I will never eat spicy food again.

And she did it. For over ten years, she hadn’t touched a single bite of spice.

Now, even though that person no longer belonged to her and she was free to eat her favorite chili, her stomach could no longer handle it.

This must be what it means to be ‘pesky’ , she thought.

Ruan Qiu and Soya were still talking. Soya said openly, “I met Rose on the beach at Crab Island. That night, the moonlight was perfect. When she spoke to me, she was like a goddess descended from the Lunar Palace.”

Ruan Qiu gave an awkward smile. A goddess from the Lunar Palace… Soya probably didn’t know that “Chang’e” was the person who had once been the core of Jianjian’s heart.

Soya raised her glass. “Her beauty is unique. When she smiled at me, I felt like I saw tears and grievances in the depths of her eyes. It made my heart ache. It made me want to protect her.”

Ruan Qiu and Chu Qing remained silent.

Soya looked at Youran. “I know she probably has someone she can’t forget. But it’s okay, I can wait. Everyone has a past. No matter how big the obstacle, you just have to walk out of it.”

“—No matter how big the obstacle, you just have to walk out of it.”

Those simple yet powerful words resonated. After hotpot, Youran invited Soya to her room. “Soya, I have something to tell you.”

Soya smiled, her blue eyes as clear as a lake. “I know. You want to reject me.”

Youran looked at her in surprise.

Soya spread her hands. “I haven’t been to China many times, but I feel like many Chinese girls are very devoted. They chase a kind of heart-stopping love that happens once in a lifetime.” She curled her lips. “But Rose, you can’t trap yourself in a corner. You have to learn to let go. Treat it as giving yourself a chance.”

Youran remained speechless for a long time. Eventually, she slowly lowered her head. “It’s no use, Soya. I’ve tried.” Her voice was soft and thin, yet drenched in infinite sorrow. “I know I can’t forgive her. But I… I also have no way to pull her out of my heart completely.”

Soya’s smile faded. She looked at Youran with heartache. She was usually a good judge of character and felt Youran was naturally an optimistic person, yet she had been made so miserable by the past.

“We’ve known each other since we were kids,” Youran whispered. “I watched her grow up. I was with her through her parents’ divorce, her struggles with the college entrance exams, and her fight for a place in the entertainment industry… Like you said, my heart ached for her. It’s ached for her for half my life.”

Her voice choked. “When we were little, her parents fought constantly, even causing scenes at their company. She would hide in a closet at the office and cry alone. I found her once when I went to see my mom. How old was I then? But the first time I saw her, my heart broke. I wiped her tears and told her, ‘Good babies don’t cry, I’ll protect you from now on.’”

Memories were like aged wine, rippling through her mind.

“Later, we went to school together… Until high school, I thought my feelings were just like a sister’s. Then one day, I realized it was different. Back then, I was fearless—I bullied classmates and teachers alike. There was nothing I was afraid of. Except for her. One word, one look from her, and I would surrender.”

Soya couldn’t fully understand the cultural nuances, but she felt the weight of the emotion.

Youran unfastened the necklace with the ring. “I loved her without looking back. Even though her ‘mute’ way of loving often drove me to the point of explosion, even though her lack of romance made me crazy and I swore to break up a thousand times… I never actually had the heart to push her away.”

“Then we turned twenty. I remember the moon was very round. She had just exploded in popularity because of her role as ‘Chang’e.’ She had countless suitors. I was throwing a tantrum at her, and she suddenly hugged me from behind and kissed my ear.” Youran smiled, tears sliding down her cheeks. “She told me she finally felt she could stand by my side, that she finally didn’t feel inferior. She said she couldn’t wait to have me, to make me her wife. She said she loved even my bad temper, my childishness, and my ‘princess sickness.’ She didn’t want anyone else to look at me… she wanted me to belong to her forever.”

Such happy memories, yet they tasted of salt.

“The day we got our marriage certificate, we laughed like two fools. For the sake of her career, we chose a secret marriage. I knew she had been insecure since she was a child; only being strong could stop her anxiety. I didn’t blame her. She wasn’t like me. She was always lonely. She lived with a stepmother for a while and was mistreated before returning to her mother, who also didn’t give her love. If I didn’t love her with everything I had, what would happen to her?”

“We were happy. Being young, I always tried to change her, wanting her to be less cold and learn to express her love. We fought many times, always passionately, until my moms went from being nervous to being numb and used to it.”

“Later, we wanted a child, but heaven didn’t grant us one. We were both sad, but we thought, having each other is the greatest happiness, isn’t it? One shouldn’t be greedy. She gradually changed, sharing her inner thoughts and learning to express herself… Then, in our seventh year of marriage, just when everything was at its best, she suddenly got busy. She told me she signed for a secret role and needed to be isolated for three months of filming.”

Youran wiped her eyes. “I counted the days. I texted her every day saying three months felt like three years… Heh.” She gave a self-deprecating laugh. “I never imagined she would actually be gone for three years.”

“When she first left, I was angry. I called and texted her day and night, thinking she was playing a trick on me. But… there was no answer.”

Youran’s eyes were full of heartbreak. “Six months… a year… Every morning I woke up and told myself: This is the last day. If she doesn’t come back tonight, I will never forgive her. I will scold her and kick her out of the house.“

“Over and over, my hope shattered. From anger to begging to a heart like cold ash. I missed her so much I went crazy, I hated her so much I lost my mind, but I couldn’t tell anyone. I even worried that if she really came back, my family and friends wouldn’t accept her… I started weaving a dream to lie to myself.”

Youran bit her lip until it nearly bled. “For the first two years she was gone, I used her tone to send postcards to family and friends from all over the world. I created the illusion that she was just studying abroad, that she’d be back soon, that we’d just had a small spat.”

“Later… perhaps because I’d lied for too long, I almost believed it myself. Until my thirtieth birthday. I was writing a postcard to my moms in her tone, and suddenly, I didn’t know what I was doing anymore.” Youran looked at Soya. “I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t let myself go on like that. I couldn’t sleep at all; I had to rely on medication. I looked in the mirror and couldn’t find my old self. I couldn’t be so selfish, I have a family… I had no choice. I started revealing in interviews that I was looking for a partner, trying to force her to appear.”

“She appeared…” Youran’s eyes were hollow, like a doll that had lost its soul. “But Soya, I’m too tired. It hurts too much. I can’t describe our years together in just a few words. I can only say that I gave her all the love I had in the first half of my life. I can’t forgive her for leaving without a word. And for the second half of my life, I have no way to love anyone else. I just want to find a quiet corner and lick my wounds alone. Just being alone… is enough.”