To Covet (GL) - Chapter 37

When she suddenly abandoned me, I was right on the edge of climax. I lay in a daze for a long time before I could finally dissipate some of the emptiness in my body on my own.

My mind was a blank slate as I lay on the bed. I rummaged through the tangled sheets, found my clothes, and put them on.

Glancing around the room, Yu Keyi was gone. My sluggish reflexes reminded me that she had stormed out in a huff because of something tactless I had said.

I went to the bathroom to wash my face. My reflection in the mirror was a mess. A flush of red burned across my cheeks, and the liquid smeared there had been dried by my body heat, leaving distinct residue around my eyelids and mouth.

I cupped a handful of clear water. Before splashing it on my face, I was compelled by a perverse urge to lick the moisture from my lips.

A flash image appeared: Yu Keyi pressing down on my face, grabbing my hair, and forcing me to lick her. I was unable and unwilling to resist, submerged in her control. The friction of our lips continuously stimulated the depths. Water seeped from my tender crevice. I was plunged into a complete void, losing the ability to think or speak, with only instinctive muscle memory urging me to submit to her pressure again and again, forcing me to open my mouth and swallow.

Cold water droplets slid down my arms, making me shiver. I couldn’t help but lean back against the wall and squat down to the floor.

My legs squeezed together. The friction of the fabric. As I used the edge to stand up again, I saw a small patch of dark moisture. But the restless itch didn’t subside after squeezing my legs. I reached a finger in, pressing hard against my clitoris through my panties, biting my sleeve to stifle any sound.

“Yu Zhouwan, you are such a slut.”

My reflection in the mirror watched me silently, yet I hallucinated hearing it speak.

“You’re so disgusting, letting so much wetness flow even when someone forces you.”

I covered my face, pressing hard against my eyeballs until large, dizzying golden patterns appeared before my eyes.

My legs were still weak, needing something to lean on to stand steady.

I stumbled in the dark, step by step, to the living room. Yu Keyi was curled up on the sofa with her back to me, asleep.

I stared at her sleeping profile, thinking of how she had deliberately enunciated the words: “You’re so beautiful, I want to properly admire you, I want you.” A tone that was sincere and devout, yet concealing actions that were filthy and vulgar.

I should have pushed her away ages ago. Her repeated torment with the nude photos and the threat of exposing me as a lesbian was already cause enough for me to curse her in a thousand ways.

But the truth had veered completely in the opposite direction. Not only did I fail to cut ties with her, but my body’s intuition even allowed this humiliation to become an easy trigger for desire.

And Yu Keyi had discovered this. She had choked my neck and made me call her “Master,” branding this shameful relationship with a mark.

Whenever I recall the details, I can’t help but despise myself, piling every abusive adjective onto myself.

She misunderstood what I meant and slammed the door as she left. My first thought was to stop her and explain, but in the end, the courage to justify myself was overcome by self-loathing, and I chose to escape.

Just like that afternoon when I first used ropes to bind my hands.

The only difference was that the sensation brought by the bondage was alien to me back then—a private signal shared by the flesh and the soul, solely mine.

Now, I clearly understood where my desire lay, and the right to control it was no longer in my hands.

Lying back down on my bed, Yu Keyi’s words played in my mind, becoming more vague the more I pondered them. Eventually, I couldn’t even recall her tone, and the words became entirely illusory.

“Yu Keyi.” I opened my mouth, silently sounding out her name.

I anxiously endured the day. After school, I rushed back to my room, locked the door, found the hidden ropes from the drawer, and tied my ankles, then my thighs, and finally my wrists.

I bit one end of the rope and secured it tightly.

Only a few months had passed, yet my knot-tying skills had almost completely slipped from memory. I struggled for a long time to tighten the rope binding my hands behind my back, but the expected tingling and excitement did not come.

It was no surprise that I couldn’t find pleasure in such a familiar place as my own room. I lay alone on the floor. Maybe I should ask Yu Keyi if she had experience with this kind of bondage game, too.

I mercilessly strangled this terrifying thought in the cradle. You can’t rely on this incestuous relationship anymore, I told myself.

Is the game of bondage and pretend imprisonment still not enough to satisfy you?

I pressed my ear to the floor and heard footsteps coming from the floor below.

“Sweetheart?” She pushed the door, found it locked, and then gently knocked. “Can Mom come in?”

I reached my fingers toward the knot. It was a slipknot; pulling just one strand would immediately loosen it.

I was about to answer her, but the restricted feeling on my wrist did not disappear as expected.

“Wanwan? What’s wrong?”

Not hearing my reply, Mom’s knocking became more urgent.

“Nothing. Mom, just a moment.”

I gritted my teeth, trying to struggle out of the ropes, but the space I could create wasn’t nearly enough for my hand to slip through.

“What is it? Hurry up and open the door, I have something to tell you.”

“Just a second, I’m looking for something.”

“Open the door first, or I’ll get the key.”

I took a sharp breath, ignoring the pain. Hearing the jingle of keys, I struggled to stand up by leaning against the wardrobe, pressing my hand against the corner of the bedside table, forcing the rope down, and grabbing the scissors from the desk to cut the rope on my ankle.

“What are you looking for?”

“Clothes. It’s a bit cold today. I want to add a sweater.”

If Mom hadn’t been staring intently at me, I would have been sprawled on the floor, panting, feeling incredibly lucky to have escaped death.

“Let me find one for you,” she quickly pulled a neatly folded orange and white striped sweater from a storage box in the closet. “How about this one? It’s not too cold yet, so you shouldn’t wear anything too thick, or you’ll have to wear even more when the temperature really drops.”

The back of my hand was stinging. I didn’t dare reach out to take the sweater, afraid she would notice the abnormality on my hand and make a fuss. I mumbled an acknowledgment and let her place it on the bed, saying I’d try it on later.

“Your sister won’t be staying home tonight.”

“Huh?”

“She’s not feeling well and has to be hospitalized.” Mom lifted the blanket and sat on my bed. “Your dad just got back and told me.”

“What’s wrong?”

“She has a fever. The doctor said it’s not a common cold, looks like some kind of infection. The weather has been unpredictable lately, so it’s easy to catch these strange illnesses.”

“Oh.” I was absent-minded.

“Do you want to go see her at the hospital later? It’s not contagious,” her glasses reflected the flickering screen of her phone. “I have an urgent company matter tonight and will be back very late. Be a good girl and go to sleep.”

“Why is the company so busy lately?”

She hesitated, then hugged me, telling me not to worry and to focus on preparing for my exams these last six months.

I changed my clothes and wandered aimlessly on the street with my hands tucked in my pockets, my face shielded from the cold wind by a mask.

Before leaving, I thought about it and tucked the remaining rope from the drawer into my pocket, considering it a useless mental stabilizer.

Yin Si’en had invited us for dinner. When I arrived at the restaurant she booked, I was already past the agreed time. As I pushed the door open, everyone had arrived.

“Wanwan, over here! I saved you a seat.” Yin Si’en waved at me.

I took off my hat. Without the visor blocking my view, I immediately saw the person sitting next to her.

Feng Jia put down her chopsticks and greeted me.

“Teacher Feng happened to be back in Linzhou for something today, so I invited her,” Yin Si’en nudged my arm. “Do you want to catch a movie after dinner? My mom rarely lets me out after an exam.”

Yin Si’en didn’t know Feng Jia and I had dated. She still perceived my interaction with Feng Jia as being in the stage of a close teacher-student relationship.

Fortunately, she was sitting between Feng Jia and me, which prevented the entire meal from being too awkward. Since I wasn’t one to actively liven up the atmosphere, everyone spoke among themselves, and Feng Jia chatted happily with them. No one noticed the invisible thread of embarrassment.

“No, I won’t go. There aren’t any good movies out lately.”

“Please, Wanwan, just come with me,” Yin Si’en looped her arm through mine. “After the midterms, let’s watch a comedy to relax. Yihe and the others are going too.”

Zhang Yihe was busy eating Shin Ramyun. Her name was suddenly mentioned, and she looked up with a round, confused face, scanning the room.

“Teacher Feng, you should come too.” Yin Si’en had a naturally sweet voice, and few people could directly refuse her coaxing tone.

I reached out to pick up a piece of grilled meat but was hit by steam from the pot. The back of my hand, already scraped raw by the rope, had the minor pain instantly magnified.

I shamefully covered my hand and sat back down. Feng Jia was mingling happily with the others and didn’t notice my abnormality at all.

I sighed in relief.

The movie Yin Si’en mentioned wouldn’t end until nearly ten o’clock. I hadn’t eaten much but had drunk a lot of fruit beer, which made me feel a bit dizzy. I promised Yin Si’en I would bring treats for her kitten, and only then did she forgive my last-minute desertion. Finally, she asked if I needed milk to sober up. I refused to trouble her, saying it was nothing serious.

“Do you need a ride home?”

I was standing outside the restaurant, lost in thought, as a light drizzle began to fall. Feng Jia’s voice suddenly broke through; I hadn’t noticed when she came out.

“No, don’t bother. I’ll buy an umbrella at the convenience store and leave when the rain slows down,” I put on my hat. “Aren’t you going to see the movie with Si’en and the others?”

“It doesn’t start until 8:10. We still have nearly an hour.”

My sweaty hand was tucked into my pocket, and I felt the rope that I had hastily cut and hidden.

“Did you burn your hand just now?”

“No.”

“Si’en said she’s going abroad too, you know, right?” Feng Jia started a topic. “Her family plans to send her to Germany.”

“I know. She started learning German a long time ago.”

“What about you?”

“Me?” The rain fell, splashing up from the lower step onto my feet. I stepped back. “I’m going to the UK.”

“Which school?”

“Southampton or Manchester University, maybe. I’m not sure if I’ll get in. I’ve also applied to other schools. I’ll see which one gives me an offer.”

“Studying what?”

“Finance.”

“That’s good.” Feng Jia took a deep breath. “You kids have your future paths planned out early. Much wiser than I was back then.”

I didn’t reply, lapsing into silence again.

“Are you still relying on the ropes lately?” she lowered her voice.

“No, I’m not,” my fingernails dug into my flesh, and the heavy drunken haze immediately lifted. “I’ve stopped now.”

“That’s good,” she reached out to pat my head, but I dodged. Without any awkwardness, she patted my shoulder. “Don’t do things that hurt yourself anymore.”

The effects of the alcohol made me sleep until late morning.

Mom had left me a message asking me to look after Yu Keyi for the week she was on her business trip. I rubbed my head and replied to the other unread messages one by one.

“Did you get home?”

I replied to Feng Jia’s message while on the way to the hospital, then immediately turned off my phone.

Yu Keyi reverted to the same poker face she had when we first met. I was debating whether to explain myself when she spilled her corn chips. I went out to buy her a new bag.

I shook the vending machine. It didn’t budge. The inflated bag was still stuck in the glass case.

Forget it. I carried the two useless cans of Coke. Wasn’t this the perfect opportunity to cut ties? She wouldn’t bother me anymore. As for everything else… as long as it was my business, I could handle it slowly.

“Did you eat lunch?”

“I’ve eaten.”

I didn’t tell her I was at the hospital. I didn’t want any new complications. Feng Jia and I were now back to a purely teacher-student relationship.

“I’m going back to Nan’gang tonight,” she replied an hour later. “Do you want to meet up?”

“Yu Zhouwan, do you have plans this afternoon?” Yu Keyi asked me.

“Yes, I do.” I quickly turned off my phone screen.

I chewed on the beef offal in my rice noodles. I shouldn’t have drunk alcohol last night. My mind was still hazy and unclear.

But I was certain that Feng Jia and I couldn’t get back together, so why did she want to see me? I had no appetite. I swept all the things on the table and threw them into the trash can.

“Then hurry and go. I’ll head back myself after my check-up,” Yu Keyi said with a lackadaisical air. “What kind of plans? Art class?”

“I’m going to see someone.”

I put on my headphones and played some loud rock music to drown out the outside noise.

“I think it should be returned to its rightful owner.” Feng Jia handed me a long, delicate box.

The bitterness of coffee mixed with the scent of milk, smelling soft and creamy. I was staring blankly at the number flashing on the screen. Feng Jia nudged the box closer to me, and I finally reacted.

“Oh.” I almost couldn’t remember what it was. I pushed it back. “It’s fine, you didn’t have to specially come here to return it to me. Just throw it away.”

I had impulsively asked her to buy that choker at the time, but she hadn’t understood what I meant, and I immediately lost interest in keeping it.

“Your hand…”

I froze.

I wore a woolen coat with loose cuffs today, which couldn’t possibly conceal the marks on my wrist. Moreover, after a night, the marks were more noticeable than yesterday.

“Didn’t you say yesterday that you had quit?”

“What does that have to do with you?”

Feng Jia had only posed a question, one that could be grouped with any other casual query in a conversation. Yet my sudden jumpiness was particularly ridiculous, my attitude sharp, with a distinct air of “protesting too much.”

“I just found someone else later,” I pressed my lips into a straight line, maintaining a look of composure. “Besides, we’ve broken up.”

Feng Jia held her coffee cup, staring at me, the desperate clown, with incomprehension.

I hated that look—the judgmental, top-down scrutiny of an elder looking at a child. It gave me a feeling of having done something wrong, unable to admit it, and having nowhere to run. She had looked at me the same way the first time I asked for bondage in bed.

I heard the machine at the counter call out my number, but the conversation had reached this point. I didn’t dare look at Feng Jia again, rushed out of the coffee shop without a backward glance, and with nowhere to go, I impulsively booked a single room at the nearest hotel.

I sat in the bathtub. The hot steam blurred the image of my naked reflection in the mirror into a cloud.

The raw skin on my ankle, where the rope had cut it, throbbed in the water. I sat there until the water turned completely cold, then I drained it.

The rope in my hand was soaked. Gritting my teeth, I tied it again on the painful part of my ankle. Then I tied my calves and thighs.

I could almost hear the sound of the fibers snapping and the skin tearing as the rope rubbed against my flesh. The intense pain made me incredibly sober.

Based on my memory of body bondage steps, I wrapped the rope around my shoulders and then through the ropes across my abdomen.

I strained to turn my head and tie the knot in the mirror. The running water made it impossible to see the knot behind my back. I missed it several times, and the tight knot kept coming undone. This led me to tighten it more frantically each time I started over, as if I weren’t binding myself, but a heinous criminal trying to escape.

I was completely soaked in sweat now. I didn’t know if it was from the excessive exertion of binding myself or the cold sweat caused by the pain. I bit one end of the last rope and wrapped it around both my arms.

My balance was instantly lost, and I nearly slipped and fell in the tub, saved only by my shoulder bracing against the edge.

My head hit the tap, and water sprayed from the showerhead onto my legs. The numbness was instantly reawakened, making the pain so sharp I wanted to smash my head against the smooth tub wall to pass out.

It would be fine to just drown like this, I thought. You know this will harm and even destroy you, yet you do it again and again simply for the sake of pleasure. Isn’t this what you deserve?

I must look hideous struggling like this. Thankfully, no one else can see.

Yu Zhouwan, what do you think you should do? Whether it’s Feng Jia or Yu Keyi, no matter who you’re with, you’ll be bound by this unspeakable kink of yours. Not only can you not have a healthy romantic relationship, but you’ve even broken the blood ties between sisters.

The water level rose higher and higher. I reached up to grab the showerhead but found it had been washed to the other end. No matter how I reached, I couldn’t get it.

Just a little bit more. I tried to shift my hips, instantly slipped, and was submerged by the overwhelming water.

Hot water rushed into my nasal cavity. I couldn’t open my eyes. Relying on the instinct for survival, I searched for a point to push against, only to find the tub was excessively slick. No matter where I touched, I couldn’t get any leverage.

I held my breath and turned sideways. My chest ached as if it were about to burst. After choking on countless mouthfuls of water, I finally took a breath of clean air.

Rescued from the brink of death, I sat on the edge of the tub, untying rope after rope. The cuts were swollen from the water. As I pulled the ropes off, I could almost hear the tearing sound of them separating from my skin.

The bondage brought no pleasure. The terror of brushing past death made me stare at the face in the mirror, a face so familiar, fearing that in a blink, it would turn lifeless.

Admit it, Yu Zhouwan, you are no longer the person you once were. You can’t find satisfaction in simple bondage games anymore.

I closed my eyes, and the image of one person appeared in my mind.

In those few seconds of suffocating in the water, amidst the will to survive, I even thought: if she were here, she would definitely help me, instead of letting me do something so dangerous alone.

The more I grew to despise my own futility, the more I craved to be addressed by her in a commanding tone.

Perhaps it’s a connection of the bloodline. Whether she is infatuated with me or disgusted by me, she is the person in the world who understands me best.

My ears were full of water, my eyelids heavy and unwilling to open. The marks on my body became more pronounced in the air.

Yu Keyi, if you were being sincere, would you still force yourself to say “beautiful” about me like this?