To Covet (GL) - Chapter 47

Even though the other person could not possibly see the scene across the internet, I still felt a baseless guilt, as if someone had intruded upon an intimate moment. This was especially true because she was the person Yu Zhouwan had specifically stressed I should not get too close to.

Despite jokingly calling it jealousy at work, I didn’t completely disregard her evaluation of Gao Rui. I could also roughly guess that the subtleties of the social relationship were more complicated than I imagined.

Currently, I wasn’t close enough to either of them to fully take sides, but after all, Yu Zhouwan was my biological half-sister. I decided to listen to half of what she said and silently adopt an observant attitude for now. Of course, the main reason was my curiosity about Gao Rui’s background.

Quickly picking up the blanket from the floor, I held the phone, which was still open to the chat interface, and typed a simple “Thank you.”

The abrupt action of grabbing my phone rudely interrupted the critical moment. I looked up to find Yu Zhouwan sitting opposite me on the bed. She had already retrieved her pajamas from the blankets and put them on. Our eyes met. She tidied her tangled hair, rose expressionlessly, and opened the door to leave.

I belatedly realized that I hadn’t just been sidetracked and forgotten to answer. I couldn’t simply summarize my feelings with “yes” or “no,” so I had found an external distraction to escape thinking. Even if the phone had only beeped with a public service text message, I would have opened it to see what it was.

I had to admit that although I often went crazy with irritation over Yu Zhouwan’s tendency to evade problems at crucial moments, this “burying one’s head in the sand” method was indeed effective when I wasn’t sure of my own attitude.

Yu Zhouwan took a bag of pork floss toast from the refrigerator, tore open the packaging, and handed me a slice. She sat on the sofa silently chewing the moist, heavy slice of bread, devouring it with the hurried gulping of a soldier eating rations in a trench.

My chaotic mind barely managed to piece together and restore the tone and micro-expressions she used when questioning me, like struggling to produce some thought process on an exam paper that was graded zero. Chewing the slice of bread, I walked from the kitchen door to the living room. I scrolled on my phone screen to distract myself. Gao Rui hadn’t replied, so I typed another message: “Which classes are you taking for tutoring on the weekend?”

I planned to find professional teachers to help me finish high school content as quickly as possible. Since Gao Rui had extracurricular tutoring, I asked her for recommendations.

Both messages sank without a trace.

Just as I sat down on the sofa, Yu Zhouwan immediately got up. Passing by me, she accidentally glanced at my screen, her eyes pausing for a moment.

I turned off the phone without thinking.

“I have the IELTS exam next week,” she turned to the coffee table and poured a glass of water. “I’ll be busy for the next few days.”

The ambiguous question mark was casually brushed aside by her. Compared to the thick intimacy of a few minutes ago, this conversation not only felt particularly jarring but also revealed an awkward unfamiliarity, as if we had no common language other than the physical contact during sex.

Or perhaps this was our usual mode of interaction. Only at times like this did she fit the image of an “older sister”—perfectly thoughtful and attentive, polite yet slightly distant. My role was only to nod and say okay, and then exchange a few polite, formulaic remarks.

Desire ceased the moment we left the bed, disappearing without a trace. This made the physical relationship, which was a mixture of incest, dominance, and submission, seem more akin to a primal instinct than the product of rational thought and careful consideration.

“Which subject do you want to catch up on? Are you in a hurry?” Yu Zhouwan held her mug and looked at me. “I can help you ask around. I haven’t been at school much lately, so I haven’t been keeping up with that.”

“Any subject is fine. I’m pretty average in all of them.” This was a spur-of-the-moment idea; I had no concrete plan, thinking there was plenty of time anyway. “Don’t bother you and Auntie Shi trying to find connections. I can just ask my own school teachers.”

“Many teachers at the Foreign Language school aren’t busy with classes, so a lot of them work at outside institutions or run their own tutoring classes,” Yu Zhouwan seemed genuinely to be thinking for me. “Are you trying to boost your grades for the final exam or something else? You don’t actually need to rush through the later courses in the first year of high school.”

“I’ll think about it.”

It wasn’t just the tutoring. It was more about her phrase, “I want to be tied up by you,” and her concern about verbal judgment. I should have just ignored it, nodded in agreement, and enjoyed it, but I was unable to straightforwardly say okay. It felt as if her request was some kind of condescension from above, even though it wasn’t. I just couldn’t find a more appropriate word for it at the moment.

It was like not intending to do something in the first place, but then someone deliberately advises you “not to,” thus giving rise to a rebellious impulse.

I was intimately familiar with my own lazy, anti-constraint nature.

“Your books.”

I was staring blankly at the people walking outside the window when Gao Rui placed the books on the desk in front of me. If she hadn’t forcefully patted my shoulder, I wouldn’t have noticed when she arrived at my desk.

“What’s wrong? You’ve been out of it all day.”

She bent down to pick up a test paper that the wind had blown to the floor. I quickly snatched it back and shoved it into the drawer.

Last Friday’s English quiz was surprisingly easy, but I had made a lot of mistakes, as if I were possessed, which made the usually kind English teacher frequently walk around the area to check the notes on my paper during class.

I flipped open the vocabulary book, and a note fell out. It was the physics problem I had failed to solve using my own method. Gao Rui had written detailed annotations, particularly circling and highlighting the gravity factor that I had neglected when drawing the electric field.

During the break for the exercise session, I deliberately went to the English office to confess my failure and pick up a mock exam paper for the city-wide test.

Sure enough, Gao Rui didn’t go to the exercise session today either. Her pen twirled, leaving a string of neat, small characters on the paper.

“What’s wrong?” Her pen tip paused for a moment, and then she continued organizing her notes without raising her head. “Did you see the note I wrote for you?”

“I saw it. Thanks.”

Compared to her pure pursuit of knowledge, my mind, which was entirely focused on gossip, felt particularly unsavory.

“Yu Keyi, do you want to perform on stage?” Gao Rui spread the enrollment form, which only had a few names filled in, in front of me. “The homeroom teacher asked me to recruit a few more people. Interested?”

“Perform what?”

“The New Year’s Day Literary Gala. Our class plans to do a skit.”

“No. I don’t have the talent to be an actor.” I was very resistant to public appearances.

“Then how about hosting?”

“Didn’t they already decide on you to host?”

The auditions had ended last week. Xu Lanlan and I even caught the tail end of the excitement during the end of the lunch break.

“I might not be able to get on stage,” Gao Rui said awkwardly, resting her chin on her hand. “I calculated it, and it falls right on that day. The ibuprofen hasn’t been working well several times lately. I’m thinking about suggesting to the grade department that they replace my hosting spot. Do you want to try it out? It would save me the trouble of finding someone else and having to take time to interview and choose one by one.”

“I’m not good at being on stage. I’ve never tried hosting a show,” I would inevitably get nervous in any situation that required public attention. I almost messed up the Children’s Day celebration in sixth grade. “What about finding other girls? What do you think of Xu Lanlan?”

“Lanlan is acting in the skit. She has a different role.”

“What about Xiao Zhi? Didn’t she announce for the sports meet?”

“She doesn’t want to go. I already asked her.”

“Then Zi Xin from the next class…”

“She was eliminated in the audition.”

Gao Rui smiled and met my gaze. I guessed that even if I recited every name on the class roster, she would have a flawless reason to shut down each suggestion.

“How many hosts are there?” I rubbed my nose. If I wouldn’t be alone on stage, maybe it was worth a try.

“Six. Three boys and three girls. Plus a few music teachers,” I hadn’t said yes, but Gao Rui looked as if it were settled. Her eyes immediately brightened. “There’s a teleprompter, and we’ll rehearse many times in advance. You don’t need to be nervous.”

“Do I have to audition?” The mere thought of hundreds of eyes staring at me made my stomach hurt.

“Just a formality,” Gao Rui said casually. “By the way, take this registration form home and fill it out. Don’t make any corrections, and attach your photo. Because we are from a different school, we have to take a test in advance for the winter break training camp.”

I clutched the thick registration form and nodded in agreement.

Gao Rui seemed very good at convincing others about something, because she always had detailed, well-thought-out plans and several compelling reasons prepared in advance. I couldn’t guess why she insisted on pushing me, a novice with no interest or talent, onto the stage. But flipping through the note in my vocabulary book, I found myself unable to go back and refuse.