A Secret (GL) - Chapter 38

Once Gu Yian left, Shen Juan was the only one remaining in the long corridor.

The lights were dim, and the night was silent. She walked toward her own room, but her steps paused as she passed Gu Shuge’s door.

They had shared a silent understanding for so long; starting tomorrow night, they would enter a new stage.

Shen Juan turned around, opened Gu Shuge’s door, and stepped inside.

Gu Shuge was already asleep. A lamp left by the bedside dimly illuminated that small corner of space. Shen Juan lightened her steps and sat down by the bed.

Gu Shuge lay flat on her back, her eyes closed, her cheeks flushed with sleep. As Shen Juan looked at her, she could feel the tenderness in her heart welling up like a warm spring.

In truth, she knew that after her confession, their daily life probably wouldn’t change much; after all, they had lived under the same roof for eighteen years, and their pattern of interaction was long established.

But Shen Juan was still full of anticipation. She looked forward to Shuge’s expression of surprise tomorrow night, to her blushing as she said “I’m willing,” to a day in the future when they would place wedding rings on each other’s fingers, and to a lifetime of mutual support, never to part.

She gently caressed Gu Shuge’s face, her gaze falling on her lips. As if possessed, she leaned down and gave them a light kiss.

No matter how moved she had been before, she had never committed a transgressive act. But tonight—perhaps because they would officially become a couple tomorrow, or perhaps because she had wanted to do this for so long that she couldn’t wait a single day more—she did not restrain herself.

As Shen Juan left, she even thought that in the future, when Xiaoge kissed her and blushingly claimed it was her first kiss, and Shen Juan told her about tonight, Xiaoge might feel proud of the influence she had over her.

And then? Shen Juan left the room and softly closed the door, continuing her thoughts: And then Xiaoge will surely express her love countless times, proving that her affection is no less than mine.

Xiaoge was like that—she never wanted Shen Juan to get the short end of the deal.

The next day seemed like a very ordinary autumn day.

Shen Juan went to the office early in the morning. She originally intended to go directly from the office to the restaurant at the appointed time. But that day, no matter how she looked at her clothes, she felt unsatisfied. Consequently, she pushed all her work back by a day and went home to change.

While she was changing, the restaurant called.

“Miss Shen, there was one thing we forgot to confirm last night. Could you tell us what flowers you would like for the bouquet at dinner?” the manager asked hurriedly.

Shen Juan found herself in a dilemma. In her memory, Xiaoge didn’t seem to have a particular favorite flower. Since it was still early, she went to the study and had the restaurant send over their alternative options so she could choose carefully.

At that time, she did not yet know that these exquisite, gorgeous bouquets would never reach Gu Shuge. The first bouquet she would ever give her in this life would be on a winter day four years later—a bunch of daisies she cut by hand from the greenhouse and placed beside the pillow of Gu Shuge’s remains.

She was choosing so intently that she didn’t even notice when Gu Yian returned.

“What are you looking at?” Gu Yian leaned against the doorframe and asked.

Startled by the interruption, Shen Juan saw it was him and smiled. “Come and help me look. Which kind of flower do you think Xiaoge would like?”

How could a “straight man” like Gu Yian know what kind of flowers his sister liked? Still, he walked over, intending to pick for her. But looking at the images on the computer screen, he felt a wave of dizziness.

“Don’t they all look the same?” He couldn’t distinguish between a China rose and a standard rose, didn’t know that roses came in many colors, and had no idea what made lilacs, lilies, tulips, or narcissus different aside from their names.

Shen Juan knew she shouldn’t have pinned her hopes on him and continued choosing helplessly on her own.

“The color of the tulips is nice, and the arrangement is beautiful, but they don’t quite suit Xiaoge. This narcissus is said to be a newly cultivated variety; it hasn’t even had a ‘language of flowers’ assigned to it yet. Would using it feel more exclusive?” Shen Juan talked as she looked.

When she didn’t hear a sound for a long time, she looked over in confusion, only to see Gu Yian watching her with a smile. He asked, “Finally couldn’t hold it back anymore?”

Shen Juan’s ears felt hot. She gave a small nod, then—before Gu Yian could tease her further—she looked back at the screen and said to the many choices, “It’s truly a struggle.”

Gu Yian’s smile was gentle. Everything was getting better. Once the Group stabilized, the three of them could live very happy lives. When he got married in the future and had several children, he could even let Xiaoge and Shen Juan adopt one. But with modern medicine being so advanced, it wouldn’t be hard for them to have one of their own.

Thinking of this, his longing for a stable life grew even stronger.

Gu Yian looked at Shen Juan and brought up the old subject, smiling: “Actually, why don’t you just marry me?”

Shen Juan wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t given up on the idea; the Gu family were all somewhat stubborn. But today she only wanted to think about her confession at dinner. Her gaze remained on the flowers, still undecided. She looked at Gu Yian helplessly: “Can you please take my dilemma seriously?”

Gu Yian wanted to persuade her to yield: “I am serious. I’ve thought about this for a long time. You marry me, I marry you—it’s the best choice.”

“Yian…”

“We’re already family. Marrying me only makes the relationship closer. Nothing else would change. Think about it, do you find me repulsive?” He pressed on with his persuasion.

Shen Juan’s attention was on the flowers, and she didn’t want to be distracted for the moment. But knowing the stubbornness of the Gu family wouldn’t easily change, she decided to just brush it off for now. Looking at Gu Yian, she said, “I’ll consider it.”

Gu Yian was overjoyed and immediately said, “Then consider it. Once you have an answer, tell me right away. I’ll handle things with Xiaoge.”

Shen Juan was finally able to settle her mind and pick the flowers. She nodded with a smile.

Gu Yian had other things to do; he stood up and left first.

Which one would Xiaoge really like?

Shen Juan chose for a long time, eventually settling on the narcissus. She thought: I’ll buy this variety from the breeder and let Xiaoge do the naming and the flower meaning.

Once she made her choice, she checked the time and took out her phone to WeChat Gu Shuge: “Where are you? Is there traffic on the road?”

She was also ready to set off.

But Gu Shuge was slow to reply, which made her a bit confused. Xiaoge always replied to her messages in seconds; she never delayed unless she was busy.

At this time, her classes should be finished. Was she tied up by something?

As Shen Juan was thinking, the phone screen lit up with a new message. She opened it to find it was from Gu Shuge. A few words appeared simply on the WeChat interface, but Shen Juan froze.

“I have something to do, I’m not coming back,” Gu Shuge replied.

The images of the bouquets hadn’t been closed yet; they lay coldly on the screen. Shen Juan couldn’t quite process it, and then a faint sense of disappointment bubbled up from her heart.

She was an adult and had long since developed the ability to respond calmly to changes. Thus, the disappointment in her heart was initially only a small amount.

It seemed the confession would have to be postponed. Shen Juan gave a soft sigh. Before she even realized it, that tiny bit of disappointment magnified infinitely, filling her chest.

She had to go see. Perhaps once Xiaoge finished her business, they could still make it? She really wanted to finalize their relationship today.

Thinking this, she stood up, walked out of the house, and drove toward the university.

She sat in her car outside the school gate and waited for two hours, her eyes unblinking as she watched the students coming and going.

The university obviously had more than one gate, but Gu Shuge always used this one. Shen Juan gradually began to panic. She didn’t know where this frantic feeling came from—it was like a premonition arising from her subconscious.

She took out her phone and called Gu Shuge, but no one answered. Shen Juan quickly hung up and continued to stare at the gate, hoping Gu Shuge would walk out.

She waited another hour. Gu Shuge did not appear.

They had agreed yesterday; Xiaoge said she had a very, very important surprise for her. She had been so looking forward to tonight’s meeting, so it was impossible for her to simply not show up at the last minute.

Even if something truly urgent had come up and she couldn’t make it, Xiaoge would definitely have called her to explain. It was impossible—impossible for her to just send a cold WeChat saying she wasn’t coming.

Shen Juan got out of the car and dialed Gu Shuge’s number again. She had many theories, but each one was like a fleeting meteor, vanishing as soon as it appeared.

There was still no answer, but this time she didn’t hang up; she kept waiting. Just as it was about to disconnect automatically, the call went through.

No one spoke on the other end.

Shen Juan pursed her lips and called her name: “Xiaoge?”

There was no response.

Shen Juan bit her lip and called out again, very carefully. This time, there was a reply.

“Mhm,” Gu Shuge’s voice came through, soft and small, like a tiny kitten.

Just hearing her voice caused Shen Juan’s tightening heart to relax. She asked with a smile, “Are you finished with your business? I’m waiting for you outside your school.”

Xiaoge had nothing in her life besides Shen Juan and her studies, so when she said she was busy, Shen Juan assumed she was at school. But with the semester just having started, what important business could there be that wouldn’t be finished by now?

She waited for Gu Shuge to answer, but the other side fell silent again.

Shen Juan’s smile gradually faded. She realized something was wrong and asked with concern, “Why aren’t you speaking?”

“I…” Gu Shuge said haltingly, “I’m fine.”

Shen Juan squeezed her eyes shut. Xiaoge’s voice sounded like she was crying. An image appeared in her mind: the scene from last night when she had quietly entered Xiaoge’s room and kissed her.

Could Xiaoge have been awake then?

She took a deep breath, forcing herself to be steady, and asked, “What’s wrong?”

A long time passed before the answer came: “I miss Mom and Dad.”

This was a lie. Shen Juan didn’t need to guess to know that, because Xiaoge’s tone was hurried and filled with guilt. But before she could say anything else, the call ended.

The other side had hung up.

She is avoiding me. Shen Juan realized.

She gripped her phone, waves of coldness washing over her. Fear and panic surged into her heart; she was more terrified than she had ever been.

I have to find Xiaoge quickly. She thought. Once I find her, I’ll know everything.

She called people to go home and check if Gu Shuge was there, while also contacting Gu Shuge’s classmates to ask if she was at school. But since the semester had just started, no one really knew each other, and Gu Shuge didn’t socialized much, so no one knew where she had gone.

Shen Juan grew more and more frantic. Just as she was about to arrange a search party, a call came from home saying that the Young Mistress was there.

She drove home and went straight to Gu Shuge’s bedroom.

Gu Shuge was lying on the bed, her body covered by the quilt, lying with her back to the door.

Shen Juan hesitated for a moment, but she walked over. Once she was close, she didn’t know how to react. She spoke: “You…” Concern finally took the upper hand, and she asked softly, “If something is on your mind, say it. We’ll find a solution together.”

Gu Shuge gripped the corner of the quilt, refusing to let go. “It’s nothing. Just let me be quiet for a while.”

She was rejecting her. Shen Juan stood dazed and helpless, her panic becoming more obvious. Her mind was a mess, filled entirely with images of Xiaoge smiling at her in the past.

“I want to be with Sister.” “I just want to spend more time with you.” “I really have a very, very important surprise for you. You’ll definitely like it.” “Let me follow you. I won’t cause trouble; I just want to see you.” “Sister, you’re so beautiful.”

Gu Shuge’s blushing or smiling face constantly appeared before Shen Juan’s eyes.

She felt as if her life was about to be completely destroyed. Shen Juan clenched her fists, but she couldn’t make a sound.

After an unknown amount of time, Gu Shuge threw back the quilt herself. Shen Juan’s heart tightened, and then she met Gu Shuge’s startled, helpless eyes.

She thought I had left. Even now, Shen Juan could instinctively deduce Gu Shuge’s emotions from the smallest details.

She wanted to try one more time. She thought that perhaps she was overthinking and Xiaoge had encountered something else. So she softened her tone and asked as gently as she could, “What’s wrong? Is there something you can’t tell Sister?”

The moment she spoke, Gu Shuge looked at her and tears began to flow uncontrollably. Her expression was a mix of disappointment, sadness, and pain. Her eyes were red and swollen; it was obvious she had been crying for a long time.

Shen Juan wiped away her tears. Gu Shuge didn’t move away. She asked a single question: “Why?”

Shen Juan’s heart felt as if it were being gnawed by ants—initially a dense, prickling pain, then a sharp agony. She couldn’t answer; she could only help wipe the tears.

Gu Shuge didn’t ask again, nor did she pull away. Her swollen eyes were filled with a sense of lingering attachment. Shen Juan couldn’t bear to look and covered her eyes with her hand; she felt Gu Shuge’s eyes close in her palm, more tears sliding down.

Why indeed?

Shen Juan also wanted to ask. It turned out she had completely misunderstood.

Although she was helpless and heart-sore that night, she wasn’t yet in despair. She wanted to wait until Xiaoge’s emotions stabilized and then have a proper talk with her. She truly liked her; could she give her a chance? If she couldn’t accept it for now, Shen Juan could wait.

But she hadn’t expected that such a soft little thing, who had followed her everywhere and said “I just want to spend more time with you,” could be so merciless when she wanted to hurt someone.

She avoided her, never appearing anywhere Shen Juan might be. Every day she left early and returned late, or didn’t come home at all. She never came to the office to find her again.

Shen Juan finally managed to intercept her at the school gate. She was walking with a classmate, looking as if they were going out to have fun.

Shen Juan stepped forward. She saw the shock on Gu Shuge’s face and felt truly humiliated.

Feelings between girls are hard to scrutinize. Look closely, and everything seems intimate and seamless, like love. But look closely again, and it seems to have nothing to do with love. Those past intimate actions, when recalled, felt like nothing more than the open-heartedness between family members. She had misunderstood from start to finish.

“I want to talk to you,” she said to Gu Shuge.

Gu Shuge turned her head away, as if she didn’t dare look at her. Shen Juan was stabbed deeply by this gesture.

How disgusted must she have been when I kissed her that night, to be this uncomfortable even facing me now?

She lowered her head, almost pleading: “Just for a moment.”

Gu Shuge, who hadn’t dared to look at her just a moment ago, immediately looked at her in a panic. “Sister, I’ll go with you.” She was still soft-hearted, unable to withstand Shen Juan’s pleading. She walked to her side, her gaze soft as she looked at her—as if completely unguarded, trusting her entirely.

Shen Juan forced a curve of her lips and took her to a nearby restaurant.

They didn’t speak the entire way. Shen Juan glanced at Gu Shuge from time to time, but Shuge constantly avoided her gaze.

When they reached the restaurant and sat down, the first thing Gu Shuge said was:

“I’m planning to go abroad to study.”