Song of Everlasting Regret - Chapter 3

After leaving the study, Lou Jing went straight to the ancestral hall. The hall was dedicated to the successive Sect Leaders of the Qian Yuan Sect. Among the spirit tablets, there were over five hundred lamps and candles. Lighting the lamps was a slow, deliberate task that was very conducive to calming one’s mind.

This was not the first time Lou Jing had been punished by being sent to light the lamps; she had been a regular visitor here since childhood.

She sat on the platform in front of the ancestral hall’s steps. It had rained at sunset, and the twilight mist was hazy. Magnificent purple-red clouds stretched across the western sky. The evening bell had rung from the eastern mountain, and a layer of darkness was laid over the world. Behind her, the hall full of lamps shone ever brighter, a thousand lights like stars on the ground.

In the flat area in front of the hall was an old man sweeping the floor. He wore a long grey robe, and his hair and beard were grizzled. His skin was as wrinkled as an ancient, lush tree, and he had a look of peaceful serenity. After sweeping away the fallen leaves, he spoke to Lou Jing, “Punished again for disrespecting your Senior Sister?”

This old man was an elder in the sect who had retired from the martial world to guard the ancestral hall and live a peaceful life. Because Lou Jing was a frequent visitor, the two were “old acquaintances.” Lou Jing was sent to light the lamps, nine times out of ten, because she was unhappy about something involving Yu Jingqiu, which then exploded like a firecracker at Lou Xuanzhi’s place, leading to this punishment.

The old man was accustomed to it and naturally assumed this time was the same. He smiled, “Little one, there are always others who are better; there is always a higher heaven. Even after you won against your Senior Sister, there are people in the martial world with more talent than her, and those with deeper skills. Do you really intend to compare yourself to every single one? When will it end?”

Lou Jing rested her cheek in her hand. “I can’t see, touch, or know those people.”

But Yu Jingqiu was a tangible, colossal mountain weighing down on her.

She had a unique complex about defeating Yu Jingqiu, which originated in her childhood. After joining the sect and starting martial arts training, her very first match was against Yu Jingqiu. Feeling quite satisfied with her progress, she was defeated by Yu Jingqiu in a single move. That was the first time she experienced the feeling called ‘unwillingness,’ which deeply suffocated her.

What would happen after she defeated Yu Jingqiu? She had to defeat Yu Jingqiu first, and cross that hurdle before anything else. It was like the Buddhist scriptures Yu Jingqiu copied; no matter what the sutra was, it always had to begin with the phrase ‘Thus have I heard.’

The old man couldn’t hear Lou Jing’s inner thoughts and didn’t know the reason. He only saw the fierce devotion in the young girl’s eyes, a burning light that could rival the morning sun. Having avoided the world for many years, his senses were purified, and he could no longer empathize with such intense emotions. Leaning on his broom, he shook his head and said, “Little one, why are you so obsessed with winning and losing? Deep obsession damages the Dao heart. Think back to that crazy sword master…”

Lou Jing didn’t hear the rest of his words. The old man’s question had plunged her into her own thoughts. Why did she care so much about winning and losing? It truly wasn’t something that could be explained in a few words. The initial cause might have been a very small thing, but over the course of a dozen years, the long river of time mixed in complex emotions and reasons, and it was no longer so pure. It was like a thousand small streams merging into a great river flowing eastward to the sea; trying to separate and clarify them was difficult.

But if she delved into it, three things profoundly affected her, and she still remembered them.

They were all a long time ago. The first incident: she couldn’t recall which Martial Uncle it was, or where it happened, only that Yu Jingqiu was standing beside Lou Xuanzhi. The Martial Uncle said, “Shan Jun resembles you. She and Senior Brother truly look like a biological father and daughter.”

The second incident: since she and Yu Jingqiu were the most talented, Lou Xuanzhi taught them personally. Lou Xuanzhi never praised anyone; even if they performed well, he only nodded. But Yu Jingqiu’s talent was truly high. The sword move ‘Dragon Hibernation’ was too profound for a ten-year-old disciple, yet Yu Jingqiu learned it after seeing it once. The day she performed it for Lou Xuanzhi, although he still didn’t offer a single word of praise, he couldn’t hide the emotion in his heart, and a smile spread across his lips. Some children are extremely sensitive to an adult’s emotional changes. Lou Jing saw Lou Xuanzhi’s joy and astonishment at that moment.

That kind of recognition was not something that could be obtained through acquired diligence; it was praise for inherent talent. Lou Jing’s aptitude was not low, but compared to Yu Jingqiu, it was the difference between a talent and a genius. From then on, Lou Xuanzhi’s smile was rooted in her heart, forming a small knot.

The third incident was more cryptic and was the root cause of everything. However, the mere recollection of it filled her with rage, making her irritable and restless. It was a dragon’s inverse scale; whoever touched it would be bitten. Even she herself would not look back at that memory.

To summarize, the desire to win that arose from these three things was all about seeking recognition and affirming her own worth.

But Lou Jing was still young and her mind was too restless at this time to see the essence of it.

The sky gradually darkened, and the rain in the mountain forest made the night wind crisp. Lou Jing sat outside, not wanting to go in too early. As she gazed at the winding old forest, she saw a figure walking up the long flight of stairs on the mountain path.

The person was wearing a soft, thin long robe. He had a tall, imposing figure. When he drew closer, the light shone on him, revealing his handsome face with prominent eyebrows and bright eyes. The newcomer, in his forties, actually looked exactly like Lou Xuanzhi.

Lou Jing joyfully said, “Second Uncle.”

Lou Yan smiled from afar. “I hear you’ve angered your father again?”

If they were strangers, it would be difficult to distinguish him from Lou Xuanzhi. But those within the sect could tell the two apart after spending time with them. Lou Xuanzhi, as Sect Leader, managed the sect with solemnity and authority. Lou Yan, however, was quiet, reserved, and refined. Though their looks were the same, their temperaments differed greatly.

Lou Jing immediately wilted, muttering, “I don’t have his affection, so naturally, whatever I do fails to please him.”

“Nonsense.” Lou Yan tapped Lou Jing’s head lightly with his fan. “I’ve heard the full details of the incident from Di Hou and Yao’er.”

“So, Second Uncle is here to lecture me too.”

“If you did wrong, shouldn’t you be lectured? Of course, I didn’t just come to lecture you. In this matter, you were right on one count and wrong on two.”

When Lou Jing looked up at him, Lou Yan’s tone became serious. “First, let’s talk about your mistakes. I found the disciple who greeted guests at the foot of the mountain that day, and it was indeed his carelessness that led him to tell the people from Caoliu Mountain Manor that Xiangri Peak was open for viewing. Ignorance is no sin. In the beginning, Cao Ruxu was not being offensive. You, however, didn’t ask for the full story and took out your frustration from your disagreement with your Senior Sister on him, treating the guest lightly. That is one mistake.”

“We have had two generations of ties with the Caoliu Mountain Manor, and we will continue to interact with them in the future. Do you know that if your words—’Zhengyang Sword Technique, meaningless’—get out, and the people of Caoliu Mountain Manor are petty, they will hold a grudge and cause friction? Losing control of your words in public is the second mistake.”

Lou Jing said, “If the Manor Lord of Caoliu Mountain Manor thinks this entire incident was our fault and holds a grudge, even letting it affect relations between the sects, then they are narrow-minded. If that’s the case, we don’t need to be friends with them.”

Lou Yan laughed at her childishness, saying, “Oh, you… If we were a sect hidden in the mountains, independent of the world, then, as you say, if a family’s temperament doesn’t suit me, I won’t associate with them. That would be straightforward and marvelous. But we are not. Your father harbors a long-cherished wish to eradicate the Feihua Alliance, that cancer of the martial world. That cannot be achieved by one family alone. It requires the support and cooperation of major powers. At a time like this, it’s not up to you whether you associate with them or not. Furthermore, no person is perfect. For example, a narrow-minded person might be meticulous and prudent, acting cautiously, while someone outspoken and unconventional may have an arrogant temperament and find it hard to fit in. If you want harmony, you must learn to tolerate.”

The latter part of the sentence was clearly aimed at Lou Jing. Lou Yan tapped her on the forehead. “In dealing with people, you must avoid offending others. In speaking and acting, you must be careful with your words and actions.”

Lou Jing argued, “If we must tolerate, we shouldn’t be the only ones doing it. If there are people who don’t know any better, they might think others are easy to bully. Cao Ruxu also said, ‘Qian Yuan Sect is nothing special.’ Why can’t I say, ‘Zhengyang Sword Technique, meaningless’?”

“He must have said or done something to make you fight. There is nothing wrong with taking action to display the power of our Qian Yuan Sect. If you hadn’t uttered that final sentence, leaving a handle for others to use, the Caoliu Mountain Manor would have lost without a word of complaint.” At this point, Lou Yan’s voice softened. “The part where Cao Ruxu first spoke rudely—why didn’t you tell your father? If he knew, he wouldn’t be so angry. Although you made a mistake, you also performed a meritorious service by protecting our sect’s reputation.”

The sky was getting darker, and the night wind was getting colder. Lou Jing wrapped her arms around her legs, lowering her head. “He never praises me. Anyway, everything I do is wrong in his eyes.”

Though young, she already had her own motives. No matter what happened, she was unwilling to tell Lou Xuanzhi every single detail. Even when she was right, when she had done well, or when it wasn’t her fault, she refused to say anything. She wouldn’t even mention it when she was wronged. It was as if only by doing this could she silently blame Lou Xuanzhi for not understanding or knowing her.

Lou Yan sighed softly. “You, child… Forget it. Telling your Second Uncle is the same.”

“Second Uncle.” Lou Jing greatly respected her Second Uncle. When she was little, she secretly wished, If only he were my father.

Meanwhile, Yu Jingqiu had returned to the Chengxin Waterside Pavilion. A sudden rain had fallen at sunset, dripping from the eaves, and a layer of cold mist rose from the lake.

Yun Yao ran in, dusting the rain off her clothes, and asked, “Senior Sister, do you have an umbrella here?”

“Outside.” Seeing the food box in Yun Yao’s hand, Yu Jingqiu asked, “Where are you going?”

“To bring A’Jing some food. The broth in the ancestral hall is bland and watery; she definitely won’t be used to it.”

“There’s rice wine in the storeroom. Take two jars.”

“Didn’t we drink all of it already?” Yun Yao walked outside and saw the oil-paper umbrella leaning in the corner, with a puddle of water on the ground. Yun Yao took the umbrella, walked back in, and smiled. “Senior Sister, did you go down the mountain to buy it?”

The room was gradually darkening. Yu Jingqiu lit a few lamps. “Go.”

“Aren’t you coming with me?”

Yu Jingqiu just smiled. If Lou Jing’s anger hadn’t subsided, her presence would only make things awkward for everyone. Yun Yao said, “Then I’m leaving.”

Yun Yao took the rice wine, and by the time she crossed the bridge, the rain had stopped. At that moment, a person with brisk steps approached on the mountain path. Yun Yao called out to him, “Senior Brother Han.”

The newcomer was holding a brocade box in his hand, looking down at it with a smile, lost in thought, and hadn’t noticed Yun Yao. He only looked up when Yun Yao called him. He was dressed in green, with a dignified appearance. He hurried forward. “Junior Sister Yun Yao.”

“Coming to see my Senior Sister?”

Han Ling smiled. “Yes.”

Yun Yao glanced back at the waterside pavilion and teased him, “You run up to Xiangri Peak every three days. Why don’t you report to Martial Uncle Li and transfer under my Master, then just live here on Xiangri Peak?”

Han Ling’s face felt hot. If the light wasn’t dim, Yun Yao might have noticed him blush, leading to more teasing. He pleaded, “Junior Sister Yun Yao, please stop making fun of me.”

“Alright, alright, I won’t talk to you anymore, I have things to do.” Yun Yao left him and headed towards the ancestral hall.

Han Ling stood there for a moment, suddenly finding Yun Yao’s words quite appealing. It took him a while to recover. He went into the waterside pavilion, called out for Yu Jingqiu outside, and only entered after she answered.

A new desk had been set up in the room, and Yu Jingqiu had just laid out a sheet of paper. “Junior Brother Han, why have you come?”

Han Ling opened the box. “I was grateful for Senior Sister’s instruction on sword moves a few days ago, and I didn’t know how to thank you. Yesterday, I found two small items that I thought Senior Sister might find useful, so I brought them over.”

In the box were a pair of rose jade tiger paperweights and a pair of purple hairbrushes. Just looking at their quality, one could tell they were extremely valuable. Yu Jingqiu’s expression was calm. Han Ling felt uneasy, unsure if Yu Jingqiu liked them. Yu Jingqiu said, “Junior Brother Han, since we are fellow disciples, it is my duty to help you with martial arts. You don’t need to take it to heart. These items are too valuable; please take them back.”

“If Senior Sister doesn’t accept them, I have no use for them either; they would just sit on a shelf and gather dust. This is just a small token of my appreciation. If Senior Sister refuses, my heart will be uneasy.”

“You…” Unable to decline, Yu Jingqiu took the two purple hairbrushes. She said, “I’ll keep the brushes. I already have paperweights and truly have no use for these. Please take them back.”

“Okay.” Although Yu Jingqiu only accepted the brushes, Han Ling was still delighted. He lowered his head and noticed the Buddhist scriptures nearby. He frowned. “I heard that Junior Sister Lou not only provoked the Caoliu Mountain Manor this time but also drew her sword against you, almost injuring you, yet the Sect Leader punished you as well, Senior Sister.”

“Who told you that?”

“Everyone in the sect is saying it. Junior Sister Lou is willful and disrespectful to her Senior Sister. Senior Sister tolerates her everywhere, yet she still won’t restrain herself.”

“I provoked her first.”

“How could that be?”

Yu Jingqiu trimmed the candle wick. “Junior Brother Han, do not just repeat hearsay. It is late, and the mountain path is wet and slippery from the rain. You should head down the mountain soon.”

Han Ling opened his mouth but said no more, only saying, “Senior Sister, then I will take my leave.”

“Mmm.”

As Han Ling left the Chengxin Waterside Pavilion, Yun Yao entered the ancestral hall. When she arrived, Lou Yan had already left, and Lou Jing’s mood had improved considerably.

The clouds had cleared, the rain had stopped, and a few faint cold stars were sparsely scattered in the night sky. The two moved a small table outside the ancestral hall and brought out the food. Seeing Lou Jing’s better mood, Yun Yao seized the opportunity and brought up the two jars of wine. “Look, Senior Sister went down the mountain specifically to buy this for you—Old Li’s rice wine.”

Lou Jing’s hand, which was reaching for the wine, suddenly retracted. She pulled a long face. “I’m not drinking.”

“Still angry, are we?” Yun Yao uncorked a jar and lightly fanned the opening with her palm, wafting the scent of rice wine toward Lou Jing’s side. “Are you really not drinking?”

Lou Jing turned her head away. Yun Yao said, “You are so stubborn…”

Yun Yao put the wine down and suddenly asked curiously, “A’Jing, do you hate Senior Sister?”

If this had been anyone else, Lou Jing would have already let go of the incident. It was the same with ordinary small matters: when others did something, it was often fine, but when Yu Jingqiu did it, Lou Jing would get angry.

Did Lou Jing hate Yu Jingqiu?

It was hard to say. She even admired Yu Jingqiu. No one in the sect, regardless of age, didn’t admire the strong. Yu Jingqiu was naturally gifted and also diligent. At a young age, she could even exchange moves with the elders. That level of skill was undeniable. Sometimes Lou Jing would sigh in admiration: How can a person be so formidable?

So Lou Jing said, “No.”

But the thought of Yu Jingqiu’s usual lukewarm temper and the fact that she held back during the match made her boil with anger again.

The matter of holding back was like playing a game of Go against Yu Jingqiu. Yu Jingqiu was strong, calm, and composed, even reaching the point where she could allow a piece to be taken, simply because the whole board was under her control. This kind of concession from an opponent whose skill was already known felt as humiliating as a mouse being toyed with by a cat, and it made her feel her own mediocrity when facing Yu Jingqiu.

So Lou Jing changed her mind and said, “Yes.”

“Well, is it yes or no?” Yun Yao said. “Never mind. You two have been like this for ages. You won’t drink, right? If you won’t drink, I will.”

Yun Yao picked up the wine jar, intending to drink, but Lou Jing snatched it away.

Yun Yao giggled. “You’re a boiled duck—hard-mouthed, but you’re giving in.”