Song of Everlasting Regret - Chapter 3

After leaving the study, Lou Jing went directly to the ancestral hall.

The hall enshrined the memorial tablets of every past sect master of the Qianyuan Sect. More than five hundred lamps and candles surrounded the tablets. Lighting them was slow work that could not be rushed, and it was well suited to calming one’s thoughts.

This was not Lou Jing’s first time being punished by being sent here to light the lamps. She had been a regular visitor since childhood.

She sat on the platform before the ancestral hall’s blue stone steps. Rain had fallen at sunset, and mist now lingered in the evening air. Magnificent purple-red clouds stretched across the western sky. The evening bell had already sounded from the mountain peak to the east, casting a layer of shadow over heaven and earth.

Behind her, the hall filled with lamps shone ever brighter. Hundreds upon hundreds of lights resembled stars scattered across the ground.

An elderly man was sweeping the open ground before the ancestral hall. He wore a long gray robe, and his hair and beard were both gray-white. His face was wrinkled like the bark of an ancient, flourishing tree, and his expression was peaceful.

After sweeping away the fallen leaves, he struck up a conversation with Lou Jing.

“Punished again for disrespecting your senior sister?”

The old man was one of the sect’s elders. Having retired from the martial world, he had come here to guard the ancestral hall and live out his days in peace.

Because Lou Jing was such a frequent visitor, the two could already be considered old acquaintances.

Whenever Lou Jing was punished and sent to light the lamps, nine times out of ten it was because something involving Yu Jingqiu had upset her, after which she exploded like a firecracker in front of Lou Xuanzhi and was sent to the ancestral hall.

The old man was accustomed to it and naturally assumed this occasion was no different.

He smiled and said, “Little one, there is always someone beyond the person before you, and another heaven beyond the sky. Even after defeating your senior sister, there will still be people in the martial world more talented than she is, as well as those whose cultivation is deeper. Surely you do not intend to challenge them one after another? When would it ever end?”

Lou Jing rested her cheek against her hand.

“I cannot see those people, touch them, or even know who they are.”

Yu Jingqiu, however, was real—a towering mountain pressing directly over her head.

Lou Jing possessed a peculiar obsession with defeating Yu Jingqiu, one that had begun in childhood.

After entering the sect and beginning her martial training, the first person she ever exchanged moves with was Yu Jingqiu. At the time, Lou Jing had been fairly satisfied with how much she had learned, only to be defeated by Yu Jingqiu in a single move.

That was the first time she experienced the emotion known as unwillingness to accept defeat. It weighed so heavily on her that she could scarcely breathe.

What would she do after defeating Yu Jingqiu?

That could be considered only after she actually defeated her and crossed that hurdle.

It was just like the Buddhist scriptures Yu Jingqiu copied. No matter which scripture it was, one always had to begin by writing the words, Thus have I heard.

The old man could not hear Lou Jing’s thoughts and did not know the reason behind them.

He only saw the determination in the young woman’s eyes, a scorching light bright enough to rival the rising sun.

Having withdrawn from the world many years ago, he had long since freed himself from worldly attachments and could no longer empathize with such intense emotions.

Leaning on his broom, he shook his head.

“Little one, why are you so consumed by victory and defeat? You should know that an obsession too deep can damage one’s heart of the Dao. Back then, the Mad Sword…”

Lou Jing did not hear the rest.

The old man’s question had drawn her deep into her own thoughts.

Why did she care so much about winning and losing?

It truly could not be explained in a few words.

Perhaps the original cause had been something very small. Yet more than ten years had flowed past in the river of time, mixing it with countless emotions and reasons. It was no longer so simple.

It was like ten thousand tiny streams merging into a great river before flowing eastward into the sea. To separate them again and explain each one clearly would be nearly impossible.

Still, if she examined it carefully, three incidents had left particularly deep impressions on her.

After thinking for a while, she realized she still remembered them.

They had all happened long ago.

The first incident involved some martial uncle whose identity she no longer remembered, in a place she could no longer recall.

She only remembered Yu Jingqiu standing beside Lou Xuanzhi as that martial uncle said, “Shanjun resembles you. Standing beside Senior Brother, the two of you truly look like biological father and daughter.”

The second incident concerned her and Yu Jingqiu’s outstanding aptitude.

Because both were more talented than most, Lou Xuanzhi personally instructed them.

Lou Xuanzhi never praised anyone. Even when they performed well, he merely nodded.

However, Yu Jingqiu’s talent was truly extraordinary.

The sword move called Dormant Dragon was still too profound for disciples of around ten years old, yet Yu Jingqiu understood it after seeing it only once.

On the day she demonstrated it to Lou Xuanzhi, he still did not offer a single word of praise. Yet he could not completely hide his emotions, and a smile spread across his lips.

Some children were exceptionally sensitive to changes in adults’ moods. Lou Jing immediately recognized the delight and amazement in Lou Xuanzhi’s heart.

That kind of approval was not something one could obtain through hard work. It was admiration for innate talent.

Lou Jing’s own aptitude was not poor, but compared with Yu Jingqiu, it was the difference between someone talented and a true genius.

From that day onward, Lou Xuanzhi’s smile took root in her heart and became a small, persistent knot.

The third incident was more obscure and was the root of everything.

Yet the moment she remembered it, rage rose in her heart. She would become irritable, furious, and unable to sit still.

It was her reverse scale—whoever touched it would be bitten.

Even she herself refused to glance back at that memory.

In truth, the desire to win that had grown from these three incidents was all born from a wish for acknowledgment and proof of her own worth.

However, Lou Jing was still young. Her heart was too restless for her to see the true nature of those feelings.

The sky gradually darkened.

The rain in the forest made the night breeze cool and refreshing.

Lou Jing remained seated outside, unwilling to enter the hall too early. As she gazed toward the twisting ancient woods in the distance, she saw a figure approaching along the mountain path and its long stone steps.

The man wore a soft, lightweight robe and had a tall, imposing build.

As he came closer, the lamplight fell upon him, illuminating sword-like brows, bright eyes, and a handsome, refined face.

He appeared to be around forty and looked exactly like Lou Xuanzhi.

Lou Jing exclaimed happily, “Second Uncle.”

Lou Yan was already smiling from a distance.

“I heard you made your father angry again?”

An outsider would have found it almost impossible to distinguish this man from Lou Xuanzhi.

However, those within the sect who had spent time with the brothers could easily tell them apart.

As sect master, Lou Xuanzhi managed the entire sect. He was solemn and dignified, with an imposing authority that inspired awe.

Lou Yan, by contrast, was quiet and reserved, gentle, refined, and scholarly.

Though they shared the same appearance, their temperaments were vastly different.

Lou Jing immediately wilted.

She said gloomily, “I have never pleased him. Naturally, nothing I do can satisfy him.”

“Nonsense.”

Lou Yan lightly tapped her head with his folding fan.

“I have already heard the full account from Di Hou and Yao’er.”

“So Second Uncle also came to lecture me.”

“If you did something wrong, why should I not lecture you? Of course, I did not come only to scold you. In this matter, you were right about one thing and wrong about two.”

Lou Jing lifted her head to look at him.

Lou Yan’s tone became serious.

“Let us begin with your mistakes. I questioned the disciple who received guests at the foot of the mountain that day. He was indeed careless and told the people of Caoliu Manor that Xiangri Peak was open for sightseeing.

“One cannot blame those who do not know. At first, Cao Ruxu had done nothing offensive. Yet without asking what had happened, you took out your anger over your conflict with your senior sister on him and treated a guest with contempt. That was your first mistake.

“Our sect and Caoliu Manor have maintained friendly relations for two generations and will continue to interact in the future. Do you understand that if your words—‘The Zhengyang Sword Art is utterly incomprehensible rubbish’—spread, and the people of Caoliu Manor are the type to take offense, they may remember them and allow resentment to grow between our two sides?

“Speaking carelessly before others was your second mistake.”

Lou Jing replied, “If the master of Caoliu Manor believes the entire incident was our fault from beginning to end, holds a grudge, and even allows it to affect the relationship between our sects, then he is narrow-minded. There is no need to remain friends with such a person.”

Lou Yan laughed at her childishness.

“You. If ours were a sect hidden deep in the mountains and independent from the rest of the world, then we could indeed do as you say. If another faction’s temperament did not suit ours, we could simply stop associating with them. How straightforward and satisfying that would be.

“But we are not such a sect.

“Your father has long dreamed of uprooting the Feihua Alliance, that malignant tumor of the martial world. This cannot be accomplished by the strength of a single sect. It requires the support and cooperation of the major powers.

“At times like these, it is not as simple as refusing to associate with whomever you dislike.

“No one is perfect. A narrow-minded person may also be meticulous, cautious, and steady in handling affairs. Likewise, someone who speaks frankly and behaves freely may also be unruly and difficult to get along with.

“If people wish to preserve harmony, they must learn tolerance.”

The final statement was clearly directed at Lou Jing.

Lou Yan tapped her forehead.

“When dealing with others, you must avoid unnecessarily offending them. You have to be cautious in both speech and conduct.”

Lou Jing said, “Even if someone must endure, it cannot always be us. Otherwise, some people who do not know what is good for them will assume others are easy to bully.

“Cao Ruxu said, ‘The Qianyuan Sect is nothing special.’ Why was I forbidden from saying, ‘The Zhengyang Sword Art is utter rubbish’?”

“Cao Ruxu must have said or done something first, or you would not have acted.

“There was nothing wrong with using your sword to display the Qianyuan Sect’s strength. Had you simply refrained from saying that final sentence and giving them grounds for complaint, Caoliu Manor would have had nothing to say about its defeat.”

At this point, Lou Yan’s voice softened.

“Why did you not tell your father that Cao Ruxu insulted the sect first? Had your father known, he would not have been so furious. You may have made mistakes, but defending our sect’s honor was also a meritorious act.”

The sky grew darker, and the night breeze became colder.

Lou Jing wrapped her arms around her legs and lowered her head.

“He never praises me. Whatever I do is wrong anyway.”

Though she was still young, she already had thoughts of her own.

No matter what happened, she refused to explain every detail to Lou Xuanzhi.

She would not tell him when she had acted correctly, when she had done well, or when something had not been her fault.

Even when she suffered grievances, she refused to say anything.

It was as though only by remaining silent could she continue blaming Lou Xuanzhi in her heart for not understanding her or knowing who she truly was.

Lou Yan sighed softly.

“You child… Never mind. Telling Second Uncle is just the same.”

“Second Uncle.”

Lou Jing greatly respected this second uncle of hers.

When she was very young, she had once secretly thought, It would be wonderful if he were my father instead.

Meanwhile, Yu Jingqiu had returned to Chengxin Waterside Pavilion.

A sudden rainstorm had fallen at sunset. Water dripped steadily beyond the eaves, and a layer of cold mist floated over the lake.

Yun Yao ran inside and brushed the raindrops from her clothes.

“Senior Sister, do you have an umbrella?”

“It is outside.”

Seeing the food box in Yun Yao’s hand, Yu Jingqiu asked, “Where are you going?”

“I’m taking dinner to Ah-Jing. The food at the ancestral hall is all thin soup and bland vegetables. She definitely will not be used to it.”

“There is rice wine in the storeroom. Take two jars.”

“Didn’t we finish it long ago?”

Yun Yao walked outside and saw the oil-paper umbrella leaning in the corner, with a puddle of water beneath it.

She picked up the umbrella, returned inside, and smiled.

“Senior Sister, did you go down the mountain to buy it?”

The room gradually darkened.

Yu Jingqiu lit several lamps.

“Go on.”

“You are not coming with me?”

Yu Jingqiu merely smiled.

If Lou Jing’s anger had not yet faded, her presence would only make everyone uncomfortable.

Yun Yao said, “Then I’m leaving.”

Taking the rice wine with her, Yun Yao crossed the bridge.

By then, the rain had stopped.

A man approached from the opposite direction along the mountain road, walking with light, cheerful steps.

Yun Yao called out, “Senior Brother Han.”

The newcomer held a brocade box in his hands. He was looking down at it as he walked, smiling faintly and apparently lost in thought. He did not notice Yun Yao until she called to him.

He raised his head.

He wore green robes and had a handsome, dignified appearance. He hurried forward.

“Junior Sister Yun Yao.”

“Have you come to see my senior sister?”

Han Ling smiled.

“Yes.”

Yun Yao glanced back toward the waterside pavilion and teased him.

“You come running to Xiangri Peak every few days. Why not ask Martial Uncle Li for permission to transfer under my master? Then you could simply live here on Xiangri Peak.”

Han Ling’s face grew hot.

Had the sky not already been dark, Yun Yao would certainly have noticed him blushing and teased him even more.

He pleaded, “Junior Sister Yun Yao, please stop making fun of me.”

“All right, all right. I will leave you alone. I still have something to do.”

Yun Yao left him and continued toward the ancestral hall.

Han Ling remained standing in place.

To his own surprise, Yun Yao’s suggestion had awakened a trace of longing in him.

Only after a long while did he come back to his senses and walk toward the waterside pavilion.

He called out to Yu Jingqiu from outside. Only after she responded did he enter.

The broken writing desk had already been replaced with a new one, and Yu Jingqiu had just finished laying out a sheet of paper.

“Junior Brother Han, what brings you here?”

Han Ling opened the box.

“A few days ago, Senior Sister offered me guidance on a sword technique. I did not know how to thank you. Yesterday, I found two small items that I thought you might be able to use, so I brought them to you.”

Inside the box was a pair of rose-jade tiger-shaped paperweights and two purple-hair brushes.

One could tell from their quality alone that they were extremely valuable.

Yu Jingqiu’s expression remained unchanged.

Han Ling felt nervous, uncertain whether she liked them.

Yu Jingqiu said, “Junior Brother Han, we are fellow disciples. It is only natural that I help resolve your questions regarding martial arts. You do not need to take it to heart.

“These items are far too valuable. You should take them back.”

“If Senior Sister refuses them, I will have no use for them either. They will merely sit on a shelf gathering dust.

“They are only a small expression of my gratitude. If Senior Sister refuses, I will feel uneasy.”

“You…”

Yu Jingqiu could not persuade him.

She picked up the two purple-hair brushes.

“I will keep the brushes. I already have paperweights and truly have no need for them. Please take those back.”

“All right.”

Although Yu Jingqiu had accepted only the brushes, Han Ling was still delighted.

When he lowered his head, he noticed the Buddhist scripture placed nearby and frowned.

“I heard that Junior Sister Lou not only provoked Caoliu Manor this time but also drew her sword against you and nearly injured you. Yet Sect Master punished Senior Sister along with her.”

“Who told you that?”

“Everyone in the sect is saying so. Junior Sister Lou is unruly and disrespectful toward her senior sister. You always yield to her, yet she still refuses to restrain herself.”

“I was the one who provoked her first.”

“How could that be?”

Yu Jingqiu trimmed the candlewick.

“Junior Brother Han, do not blindly repeat what others say. It is already late, and rain has made the mountain path wet and slippery. You should descend the mountain early.”

Han Ling opened his mouth but said nothing more.

“Senior Sister, then I will take my leave.”

“Mm.”

As Han Ling left Chengxin Waterside Pavilion, Yun Yao arrived at the ancestral hall.

By the time she reached it, Lou Yan had already departed, and Lou Jing’s mood had improved considerably.

The clouds had dispersed and the rain had cleared. A few cold stars shone sparsely across the night sky.

The two carried a small table outside the ancestral hall and laid out the food.

Seeing that Lou Jing was in a better mood, Yun Yao seized the opportunity to lift the two jars of wine.

“Look. Senior Sister went down the mountain especially to buy these for you—Old Li’s rice wine.”

Lou Jing’s hand, which had been reaching for the wine, abruptly withdrew.

Her face darkened.

“I’m not drinking it.”

“You are still angry?”

Yun Yao opened a jar and gently fanned her hand over its mouth, sending the fragrance of the rice wine toward Lou Jing.

“You truly do not want any?”

Lou Jing turned her head away.

“You really…”

Yun Yao set down the wine and suddenly asked with curiosity, “Ah-Jing, do you hate Senior Sister?”

Had today’s incident involved anyone else, Lou Jing would already have stopped caring.

The same was true of ordinary trivial matters. If someone else did something, Lou Jing might not react at all. Yet if Yu Jingqiu did the same thing, Lou Jing would become furious.

Did Lou Jing hate Yu Jingqiu?

That was difficult to say.

She even admired Yu Jingqiu.

There was no one in the sect who did not admire her. Regardless of age, people naturally admired the strong.

Yu Jingqiu was extraordinarily gifted and also trained diligently. Despite her young age, she could even exchange moves with the elders. Her strength was genuine.

At times, even Lou Jing could not help marveling at how such a powerful person could exist.

Therefore, Lou Jing said, “No.”

Yet when she remembered Yu Jingqiu’s perpetually mild, unhurried temperament and the way she had yielded during the match, rage flared within her once again.

Yu Jingqiu yielding a move was like the two of them playing a board game.

Yu Jingqiu was strong, composed, and unhurried. She had even reached the point where she could grant Lou Jing a handicap because the entire board was already under her control.

When someone whose strength was already known deliberately yielded, it produced the humiliation of a mouse being toyed with by a cat.

It also forced Lou Jing to confront her own mediocrity before Yu Jingqiu.

Therefore, Lou Jing added, “Yes.”

“Do you hate her or not?”

Yun Yao sighed.

“Forget it. The two of you have been like this for more than a day or two. You are not drinking, right? Then I will.”

Yun Yao lifted the wine jar to drink from it, only for Lou Jing to snatch it away.

Yun Yao grinned.

“A cooked duck with nothing hard but its beak.”