After The Cannon Fodder Died, She Became The Female Lead’s White Moonlight (GL) - Chapter 29.2

The face that should have been cute and bright held a pair of sorrowful eyes.

Sang He could only blame herself for speaking too quickly, but the words were out, and she couldn’t take them back. She could only finish explaining.

“That bracelet was originally intended for Qin Anmu by Sister Gulai. Qin Anmu’s health wasn’t good, so she specifically prayed for her with it,” Sang He said, watching Shen Sijin’s moist eyes slowly turn red and shatter.

“But then Qin Anmu died from a recurring heart condition before Sister Gulai had a chance to give it to her. She had been keeping it. I was curious and asked her what she was going to do with it. She said the bracelet had lost its meaning and she would throw it away one day.”

“But why is it on your wrist now?” Sang He was confused.

Shen Sijin heard her voice, hoarse beyond description.

“Is it definitely this one?”

Sang He hummed. “You can look at the bead in the middle. Doesn’t it have some symbols you can’t understand carved on it? Those are related to Qin Anmu’s name in Sanskrit.”

Shen Sijin didn’t want to look, because she knew that bead did have some symbols she couldn’t understand.

At first, she didn’t think much of it, assuming they were special characters for a blessing.

It turned out to be another person’s name.

The item she cherished with all her heart was something someone else didn’t want.

It was too ironic.

A wave of nausea rose in her throat. She felt so sick she wanted to vomit.

How could she come to terms with this? She had stolen something that belonged to someone else, only to foolishly believe it was her lucky charm.

The naive thief.

She had never truly owned anything, had she? Everything was built on lies.

Che Gulai had lied that day, saying she had specifically prayed for it for her. It was indeed prayed for specifically, but not for her.

How much had Che Gulai lied to her?

Why did nothing she possessed truly belong to her?

Why did Che Gulai lie to her?

What was the point of all that painstaking deception?

Did she do something wrong?

She loved her so much, she was willing to give her everything, only to find out in the end that she had received nothing in return.

Why.

Why.

Why.

Why does nothing belong to her?

Can she truly not possess anything?

But I just wanted a little bit of genuine love.

She was like a garbage can, accepting the unwanted trash of others.

Shen Sijin’s face was devoid of expression. A string of tears rolled down her pale cheek, softly landing on her collarbone, unseen by anyone.

Sang He panicked and quickly took out a tissue to wipe the tears from her face, but Shen Sijin grabbed her wrist.

“Senior,” Shen Sijin’s voice was hoarse. She managed a submissive smile, looking obedient yet pitiful.

“Thank you for telling me.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell her about our conversation today.” Shen Sijin stood up and nodded at her.

“Thank you for the meal. I’m leaving now.”

Sang He frantically ran her fingers through her hair, then called her friend. “Babe, I think I caused trouble.”

Shen Sijin walked along the road. The voices of the crowd sounded distant and blurry. Her footsteps were unsteady. She felt like she was walking alone in a silent dimension, dragging a rotten corpse.

“Xiao Jin!” Bai Mingyu grabbed her and yanked her to the side. “What’s wrong with you? There’s a car, and you didn’t even try to dodge it!”

Shen Sijin looked at her blankly.

Bai Mingyu’s scolding words suddenly died in her throat. She cupped Shen Sijin’s face and asked heartbrokenly, “What happened to our Xiao Jin? Why that expression? Did someone bully you?”

Shen Sijin’s lips moved a few times, then she hugged Bai Mingyu.

Bai Mingyu patted her back, soothing her like a child. “It’s alright, it’s alright, Xiao Jin. Tell me who upset you. I’ll go give them a piece of my mind.”

Shen Sijin shook her head, saying nothing.

What should she say?

Should she say that Che Gulai had deceived her terribly, that she was like a thief who stole someone else’s item?

Or should she say that she was like an idiot, secretly rejoicing every day over something that didn’t belong to her?

She couldn’t speak the words.

These words were knives, ice, and nails, melting into her bones, making her suffer every second.

Bai Mingyu didn’t know what had happened to her. She was heartbroken. She took Shen Sijin to a park outside to clear her head.

The two sat on a bench. Shen Sijin stared at the lake in front of her, completely silent, as if the world had been muted.

“Xiao Jin, please say something.” Bai Mingyu leaned close to her face, worried to death. “Talk to me, please?”

Shen Sijin truly didn’t know what to say. She felt tired.

But seeing her friend’s worried expression, she felt it wasn’t right to remain silent.

“I’m… fine,” Shen Sijin said softly. “I just suddenly understood some things.”

“What things?” Bai Mingyu asked anxiously.

Shen Sijin held her hand and smiled faintly, trying to put on her usual soft smile.

“It’s nothing serious. I’ll handle it soon.”

Although she tried her best to pretend to be her usual sweet, soft self, the exhaustion was still visible in her eyes.

Bai Mingyu knew she wouldn’t be able to get anything out of her and decided to investigate on her own later.

She pinched Shen Sijin’s cheek. “You have to tell me if anything is upsetting you. Look how little meat you have on your face. I’m heartbroken.”

Shen Sijin smiled slightly, shy and cute.

But Bai Mingyu could see the sadness in her eyes.

Shen Sijin hadn’t messaged Che Gulai for a long time. Che Gulai, on the other hand, had abnormally sought her out a few times recently, but Shen Sijin refused to see her.

Che Gulai seemed quite angry and stopped trying to find her.

Shen Sijin wondered if they would never see each other again if she kept avoiding her.

The thought made her a little sad.

Even now, after learning the unsavory truth about Che Gulai, despite the rejection and disappointment, she still felt a strange reluctance to let go of Che Gulai.

How pathetic.

But she couldn’t help it. Che Gulai was the first person Shen Sijin had ever loved this much. Although she still had feelings for Che Gulai now, her enthusiasm was gone.

Che Gulai’s icy indifference had silenced her fervent emotions.

She didn’t want to see Che Gulai right now.

She was afraid of the pain.

Seeing Che Gulai would make her hurt.

She knew her soft heart was useless. She couldn’t completely hate her, yet she loved her timidly. It was better to temporarily avoid seeing Che Gulai.

She went to see her grandmother.

She heard from the nursing home staff that her grandmother’s health was deteriorating. Shen Sijin felt a constant sense of dread and visited her whenever she could.

Her grandmother was growing frail. Every time she saw the injury on Shen Sijin’s hand, she was heartbroken.

Shen Sijin always comforted her. “Don’t worry, Grandma. It just looks scary. It’s really not serious at all.”

“You silly girl. You’re always causing trouble,” her grandmother chided her. “You don’t let me rest easy.”

Shen Sijin smiled and nestled into her arms, acting spoiled. “I’ll be careful next time. If I get hurt again, you can scold me fiercely.”

“Oh, you.” Her grandmother tapped her head, her eyes full of affection.

Sometimes Shen Sijin thought that even if Che Gulai eventually abandoned her, she still had her grandmother, family, and friends.

With them around, she could still live in this world.

Only when she was with her grandmother did Shen Sijin feel like a child, free to be spoiled and willful.

Her heavy heart found rest with her grandmother.

“Grandma, I love you so much,” Shen Sijin nestled into her arms, her eyes stinging with tears. “Will you stay with me forever?”

No one wants me. Even the person I love most doesn’t really want me.

“Always the charmer,” her grandmother affectionately stroked her head.

As she was leaving, her grandmother suddenly called out to her.

“Xiao Jin, forget the unhappy memories. Forget the person who makes you sad. Life is meant for pursuing your own joy. Don’t let yourself get stuck in despair.”

Shen Sijin was first stunned, then suddenly realized what her grandmother meant.

Her grandmother had noticed her unusual behavior lately. Although she didn’t press her for details, the old woman had lived a long life. What couldn’t she see?

She probably guessed Shen Sijin was having problems with her partner. The old woman’s heart ached, and she simply wanted her child to be happy.

Shen Sijin’s eyes were red. She kept nodding, unable to speak.

She left the nursing home, and suddenly, heavy rain began to fall outside. Shen Sijin hadn’t brought an umbrella, so she quickly ran toward the bus stop.

But the rain was too heavy. Shen Sijin’s clothes were quickly getting soaked.

Just as she thought she would be completely drenched, a car stopped in front of her. It was Che Gulai’s car.

“Get in.”

Although she didn’t know why Che Gulai was here, she didn’t want to get in the car.

Che Gulai’s expression was icy. She got out of the car, grabbed Shen Sijin’s wrist, and shoved her into the passenger seat.

Seeing that she couldn’t refuse, Shen Sijin stopped struggling and sat in the passenger seat in silence.

The rain was too heavy. Che Gulai drove to her villa. This was the first time Shen Sijin had been to her house.

It was somewhat laughable that they had been dating for so long, and Shen Sijin didn’t even know where she lived.

Che Gulai handed her a towel. “Come in.”

Shen Sijin followed her inside.

Che Gulai found a set of clothes for her. “Go take a shower.”

Shen Sijin took the clothes and silently went into the bathroom. When she came out, Che Gulai was holding a first-aid kit. She tilted her chin. “Sit there.”

Shen Sijin sat down. Che Gulai took the iodine and crouched in front of her. “Hold out your hand.”

Shen Sijin tried to take the iodine from her. “I’ll do it.”

Che Gulai’s tone was cold. “Don’t move.”

Shen Sijin didn’t know why Che Gulai was acting this way, like an affectionate lover, but she didn’t say anything.

Che Gulai applied the medicine while saying, “Shen Sijin, what’s wrong with you lately?”

“Why do you ask?”

Honestly, Che Gulai didn’t know why she was asking either. After Chen Youfan died, Shen Sijin seemed to become quieter and more distant.

She had initially intended to ignore Shen Sijin’s temper, thinking she would quickly come running back to her like before.

But this time, she genuinely rarely sought her out. Che Gulai was almost amused out of anger. Thinking that Shen Sijin was injured because of her, she made a small attempt at kindness and approached her a few times, but Shen Sijin actually refused!

It was always her job to refuse Shen Sijin. She had never been rejected before. Che Gulai sneered internally, deciding to ignore her.

In this relationship, Shen Sijin would always be the one at the bottom. Since Shen Sijin loved her, she was the most humble. Che Gulai wasn’t worried about Shen Sijin changing her mind.

Until today. They hadn’t seen each other for almost a month.

One of her company’s artists had run into trouble, and Che Gulai had been busy resolving it. During this time, Shen Sijin hadn’t sent any news.

Che Gulai couldn’t hold out anymore. She desperately wanted to know what kind of tantrum Shen Sijin was throwing.

She looked for her at the school and the dessert shop, but couldn’t find her. She then realized Shen Sijin must have gone to see her grandmother. She drove along the hospital route and saw Shen Sijin.

“I ask because I want to.” Che Gulai was still annoyed by Shen Sijin’s distance, and her tone wasn’t good. “Answer me.”

“Are you worried about me?” Shen Sijin tilted her head.

Che Gulai’s movement of applying medicine paused. She was amused by her naive thought.

Worried about her?

No.

How could she possibly worry about her enemy?

Was she crazy, or was I crazy?

Shen Sijin was truly losing all sense of self-awareness.

Che Gulai repeatedly denied Shen Sijin’s words in her mind, finding her utterly ridiculous.

“Don’t change the subject,” Che Gulai’s voice was cold.

Shen Sijin’s heart felt gray. It was probably what she expected, so she wasn’t too sad.

Why?

Was it because she had been hurt so much before that she was immune now?

Che Gulai constantly made her sad. Now, there was nothing left that could make her feel more heartbroken.

After all, she already knew the most painful things.

She silently watched Che Gulai’s beautiful, lowered face.

She wondered why Che Gulai had become a person she didn’t recognize.

Beautifully strange, yet profoundly sad.

“My grandmother is sick, and I’ve been taking care of her,” Shen Sijin offered an excuse.

She wasn’t usually one to lie.

Che Gulai frowned. “Is that so?” Then she gave a cold laugh. “I thought you were throwing another fit, suddenly going crazy and ignoring people.”

Shen Sijin’s pale face looked dusty and exhausted.

“In your eyes, am I that willful and unreasonable?”

Che Gulai scoffed. “Aren’t you?”

No.

Shen Sijin silently said in her heart.

She never had the right to be willful.

She was an existence that was hated, with no reason to be willful.

That was a privilege for those who were loved and happy.

She didn’t have that. She knew that very well.

Che Gulai had taught her this.

Che Gulai never understood her, just as she never truly understood Che Gulai.

Shen Sijin felt tired. She pulled her hand back, wanting to go home. Che Gulai was still bandaging her, saying coldly, “Stop moving!”

“I want to go back,” Shen Sijin insisted stubbornly.

Che Gulai wouldn’t let her. As they struggled, Che Gulai’s finger accidentally hooked Shen Sijin’s bracelet and tugged.

Pat-a-pat.

The bracelet snapped. The Buddhist beads scattered and bounced on the clean floor.

Everything seemed to be in slow motion.

Shen Sijin watched the beads slowly fall and roll away.

It felt like her heart shattering into glass tears, falling to the ground.

The first thing Che Gulai had given her was broken.

Although it wasn’t really given to her.

It felt like a hidden message, telling her—the relationship between Che Gulai and her was slowly shattering.

Che Gulai didn’t seem to care. She only frowned and told the maid to clean it up.

“I’ll buy you a new one another day,” Che Gulai told her.

Shen Sijin sat on the sofa, not speaking.

Che Gulai noticed her unusual expression. “You don’t want it?”

She shook her head, looking up at her.

Their eyes met.

Che Gulai looked at Shen Sijin’s face.

Her expression was pale and sorrowful, like a flower dying under the daylight lamp.