Chapter 80
Her lips were very wet, stained a shade that had grown increasingly decadent.
Every lingering interaction was filled with the sticky, suggestive sounds of friction.
Time felt elongated, losing all concept of a standard scale.
Outside the window, the night sky at some point began to glow with a soft, fading white. Her consciousness was so blurred that only her primal instincts remained to process the pleasure.
This reaction seemed to provoke the one who was already emotional; a few slaps landed with a touch of irritation. Having truly confirmed their feelings, almost everything they did now was permeated with a sugary tenderness; it was rarely ever truly harsh.
But being slapped made it even more…
The voices drifting into her ears felt almost humid with heat. Looking at Ji Qingfan’s state, Sheng Zhi suspected she might have even forgotten her own name.
…Sheng Zhi was already this angry; couldn’t she show a little restraint?
She couldn’t help but scold her a few times, which only earned an even more impassioned response.
So frustrating.
Previously, she had suppressed her temper to learn how to be gentle and demure, thinking it wasn’t good to be “too much.” But Ji Qingfan’s current reaction was as if she were telling her: Don’t bother learning. Look at her—she’s so comfortable being treated like this by you.
Look, she deserves to be treated exactly like this by you.
The more she thought about it, the angrier she got, and she slapped her a few more times.
The woman being slapped trembled even more violently; as soon as Sheng Zhi let go, she slid down, unable to hold herself up.
Her long, dark lashes hooded a pool of moisture. Given too much, her mind was dizzy; Ji Qingfan truly couldn’t recall how things had gotten to this point. Being completely dominated actually removed her sense of insecurity, leaving only a trance-like peace of mind.
She instinctively nuzzled her, humming a confused tune, turning her head to offer her lips for a lingering, tender kiss.
…She actually still wanted to kiss?
Did Ji Qingfan have any idea she was angry? She was fuming, yet how could the other woman be having such a good time?
Sheng Zhi kept her stunning face cold, pressing her fingertip heavily against the other’s lips, watching her piteous, submissive compliance, before withdrawing her hand in even more annoyance.
—She wasn’t going to kiss her.
Did she think acting piteous would make her heart soften enough to kiss her? She acted piteous and well-behaved to her face, appearing as if she were revealing everything without reservation, but in private, she was incredibly headstrong. She told her nothing; it was all deception.
If she hadn’t found out, was she planning to lie to her for a lifetime?
Sheng Zhi wanted to just leave Ji Qingfan on the bed, but she was afraid she’d catch a cold or wake up feeling unwell. With a cold expression, she carried her to the bathroom to clean her up, fed her water, and tucked her under the cloud-soft quilt.
Before leaving, she adjusted the air conditioning temperature. Only after making sure Ji Qingfan wouldn’t catch a cold did she continue her cold-faced routine and order breakfast.
Dressing casually in yesterday’s evening gown, Sheng Zhi looked at Ji Qingfan’s closed eyes. The woman’s long hair was spread out, revealing a sliver of her thin shoulders; the corners of her lips were curved ever so slightly, as if she were lost in a beautiful dream.
Sheng Zhi pressed a hand to her cheek, thinking to herself: Is this how one is supposed to act when they’re angry?
But it was fine. She had another plan. Her anger was real, but the reason she had acted so calm before—as if nothing had happened—was to ensure this plan would go smoothly.
At this thought, Sheng Zhi bit her rosy lip, glared at the sleeping Ji Qingfan with a flick of her eyes, and let out a silent “hmpf.”
Sleep, then. Sleep yourself to death on that bed for all I care.
By the time you wake up, I’ll be long gone.
The early morning light was still hazy.
Sheng Zhi went home to change her clothes and pack some luggage. Actually, there wasn’t much to pack; she lacked for nothing at her place in California. But she had to pack and take things away—even things she didn’t need—to clearly break the traces of their life together.
Before boarding her private jet, Sheng Zhi sent a pre-drafted message to Ji Qingfan, saturated with grief and sorrow:
[Ji Qingfan, I am truly heartbroken and disappointed.
Can you understand?
What I find most unacceptable is that you lied to me. Your deception makes all the concern I showed you lately look ridiculous. I even feel like this was just a solo performance of mine, while you were sitting in the audience, outside the play, watching me and laughing in your heart at how easily you fooled me.
Did you think I was “fooled” by you? Or that your acting was so superb? I only believed you so sincerely because I trusted and loved you, yet you were actually deceiving me.
You kept things from me, pretending to be active and cooperative while doing so much behind my back. You had every opportunity to tell me the truth, but you didn’t. If you were afraid I’d leave, you should have never chosen to lie. You know me so well, yet you still chose to lie.
Thinking about it this way, I’m the one who didn’t know you well enough.
And you don’t trust me at all.
I’m leaving. I don’t mean I want to break up or divorce, but I want to be quiet alone for a while and think carefully about these things… Maybe once I’ve thought it through, my perspective will change? I don’t know.
You always say you’re my dog, and you always act so “good” in front of me to gain my pity. I am very clear now that the real you isn’t like that. So, don’t fake it anymore. Do whatever you want. If you want to go crazy, go crazy. If you want to hurt yourself, hurt yourself. I won’t care about you anymore.]
Sheng Zhi read it over after finishing. It felt convincing enough. It looked sufficiently disappointed, heartbroken, and irate.
From another perspective, these words were her true feelings, though she had exaggerated the expression significantly to make it seem extremely grave. To be honest, the line “I don’t mean I want to break up or divorce” was probably the closest to the absolute truth.
After sending the essay, she decisively and cleanly blocked all of Ji Qingfan’s contact information. She didn’t know if Ji Qingfan was awake yet, but once she woke up and found her gone, she would definitely look for her. And when she got home and saw that Sheng Zhi had cleared out the traces of their life together, the meaning would be self-explanatory.
Especially now that she had sent that message—every minute and second from now on was a countdown. She didn’t want to be caught by Ji Qingfan right now. If she were caught now, the scene would definitely be out of control.
Ji Qingfan was a true maniac. While investigating, Sheng Zhi had even found her locked diary. Following the diary, she found a house where the walls were covered with various photos of her from high school until now. Photos from all angles, in all environments, with all expressions—none of which she had known were being taken.
She was as obsessively feverish as a sasaeng fan. Combined with the island Ji Qingfan gave her, the princess’s ivory tower, and the golden cage hidden at the top… And that day she wore the bridal gown and red veil, being led into that cage—Ji Qingfan’s reaction was clearly one of over-excitement.
Everything pointed in the same direction. …Too crazy, and too perverse.
Sheng Zhi definitely didn’t share those specific tastes. But it was also true that she had no intention of breaking up or divorcing. It probably had something to do with these discoveries. She found that Ji Qingfan’s love for her was simply beyond words.
Her selfishness, her temper, her everything… in Ji Qingfan’s eyes, it was all good, charming, and lovely. Even traits that everyone else hated, Ji Qingfan was obsessed with—as long as it was her.
—As long as it was her.
Everything she was, Ji Qingfan accepted; everything she was, Ji Qingfan surrendered to.
Sheng Zhi had felt this a bit before, but never this profoundly. Every person is an independent flower rooted in the earth, but Ji Qingfan… was a flower that bloomed specifically for her.
From the moment she discovered Ji Qingfan had installed eavesdropping and tracking devices, while she felt very uncomfortable, her reaction hadn’t been particularly explosive. She later asked her friends about it indirectly; the friends were horrified, saying she should break up immediately—how terrifying.
After asking, Sheng Zhi scrutinized her own heart. She wondered why she felt “uncomfortable.” In the end, she found the root cause was that Ji Qingfan had done these things privately, hidden them, and hadn’t told her.
Back then, she had hesitated about taking Ji Qingfan to a psychologist, fearing she would be hurt by the suggestion. What truly made her decide to take her was Ji Qingfan’s self-harming tendencies. Her heart ached too much, and she didn’t know how to guide her; a doctor was the best choice. To love others, one must love oneself first—that’s what she had thought then.
But now, she realized that thought was unrealistic. Ji Qingfan was rooted in her; Sheng Zhi was her nourishment.
In the essay, she had exaggerated the emotions, but in reality, during that period when Ji Qingfan was “acting,” she had truly believed it. Ji Qingfan was a natural performer with her own unique logic; a psychologist couldn’t even touch her reality. No matter which famous doctor she switched to, it would likely be the same.
When Sheng Zhi tore those materials to shreds, she felt a place in her heart being touched. As she watched the paper turn to ash in the fire, she felt a part of her heart burn to ash along with it.
She thought to herself: How crazy.
Ji Qingfan was so crazy.
Perhaps she had been infected by her. Otherwise, why didn’t she want to break up with the maniac, but instead wanted to stay with her? Just as her friend said, “How terrifying,” yet why didn’t she want to leave?
So… since she had no intention of leaving, and Ji Qingfan would rather die than be away from her, why shouldn’t she try to tame her?
She could be a maniac, but she could also be a “good dog” who only had her in her eyes and belonged only to her. She might as well be the carrier of this extreme, moth-to-a-flame love.
She was the vessel for all of it—the desire, the obsession, the love. Ji Qingfan would never let go of her. But there are two ends to a chain. If Ji Qingfan wanted to bind her, keep her in a golden cage, and lock her up, then Sheng Zhi could also take control of her.
Like a collar. A collar around the neck can be attached to a leash, and the leash would be held by her.
She didn’t like her biting people randomly.
She didn’t like her treating her own body so lightly, harming herself at will.
And she certainly didn’t like her doing things without her permission.
Her anger wasn’t fake. She had never liked being passive. Thinking it through was one thing; what happened after was another. Instead of accepting things passively, it was better to seize the initiative.
She could allow her greed. Similarly, she could give her rewards.
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