Appearing on a Marriage Show Before Getting Divorced - Chapter 20

No matter how rugged the road ahead, as long as you take the first step, everything will get better.

When Chu Nian went to replace her SIM card, her heart was a swirl of complex emotions. Years ago, when she and Jianjian were students and “couple numbers” first became popular, Ruan Youran had excitedly bought two—one for her, one for Chu Nian. Both numbers ended in 7, a homophone for “Wife”.

At the time, Youran had joked: “You’re so popular; if you become a big-shot Film Queen in the future, who knows how many people will be calling you. But this number—only I can call it. If you don’t pick up, I’ll be very angry.”

Chu Nian had smiled, tousled Youran’s hair, and watched her install the card before handing the phone back. Though she wasn’t good at expressing it, she had always indulged and pampered Ruan Youran.

Her bed was off-limits to everyone except Youran, who could bully her on it as she pleased. Her things were not to be touched—once, when a close friend used her water cup during filming, she threw it away immediately. Yet, when Youran was sick and acting like a limp, spoiled child, Chu Nian would stay by the bed and feed her water mouth-to-mouth, sip by sip. She remembered every word Youran said.

…

Over the years, Chu Nian had indeed followed through. No matter how busy or how many things were happening, she kept that phone on her at all times. Even in the second before she lost consciousness, she had gripped that phone tightly.

Carrying the newly replaced SIM card, Chu Nian visited many shops trying to find that specific old Nokia model from years ago. Sadly, none were to be found; even the official stores said it had long been discontinued. Chu Nian felt a deep sense of loss. She felt it wasn’t a good omen.

When she finally inserted the SIM card into a phone, she didn’t turn it on right away. Her heart was racing, just like when she and Youran first started dating—every call or text would make her nervous and giddy. But this time, the feeling was tinged with pain, dread, and unease.

At home, Chu Qing had already gotten up to cook for Zhengzhi. As a grandmother, she naturally felt pained that mostly nannies had cared for the child all these years. Chu Qing herself had lacked love as a child, and back then she and Ruan Qiu had planned to spend more time with their children, but reality outpaced their plans. Ruan Qiu had just taken over the main company, and Chu Qing had become an elite surgeon saving lives; she couldn’t ignore the people dying before her. But now, knowing the whole truth, Chu Qing had made up her mind to hand over her duties as quickly as possible and shift her focus back to the family.

The current situation was something Chu Qing hadn’t expected, so for the moment, she hadn’t found a way to tell Ruan Qiu. Ruan Qiu’s personality was different from hers—passionate and volatile, prone to unpredictable consequences when excited.

Despite this, the sensitive Ruan Qiu had already noticed something was off. She called Chu Qing twice that morning, her voice muffled and grumbling.

—”Why is this business trip taking so long? Another week’s delay? You don’t have someone else out there, do you?”

—”Let me tell you, even though I’m getting older, I’m still gorgeous. I attract more eyes on the street than those seventeen-year-olds. If you dare give me a ‘green hat’ (cuckold me), I will—”

“You will what?” Chu Qing had asked.

—”I will definitely outshine the competition.”

The fearless President Ruan was, in the end, still afraid of her wife. Chu Qing decided that although the situation was a tangled mess, she couldn’t keep hiding it from Ruan Qiu forever. She would have to find the right moment to tell her bit by bit.

When Chu Nian returned home, she saw Zhengzhi sitting at the table eating, still keeping her head down and refusing to look at Chu Qing. It seemed nothing had changed from yesterday.

Chu Qing didn’t mind. She meticulously removed the shells and veins from the shrimp and placed them in Zhengzhi’s bowl. Zhengzhi stayed silent, letting the shrimp pile up like a small mountain.

Chu Nian walked over, looking at Chu Qing apologetically. “Mom, she never eats food given by anyone else but me.” Her extreme cleanliness was a carbon copy of Chu Nian’s.

Chu Qing smiled gently. As a doctor, she might seem stern, but she had far more patience than most. She looked at Zhengzhi. “Our Zhengzhi is very clean, aren’t you? Then Grandma won’t peel them for you. You eat them yourself, okay?”

Zhengzhi didn’t respond, but both Chu Qing and Chu Nian saw it: she gave a slight, almost imperceptible nod. Chu Qing smiled happily, but Chu Nian’s eyes shimmered with a faint ripple of emotion. She took her phone into her room.

The moment she pressed the power button, her hands were shaking. As the phone turned on, it vibrated incessantly. Every buzz felt like a blade carving into her heart.

At the service center, the clerk had told her that since it was a replacement SIM, any messages sent before the phone died were gone; she would only receive the messages sent after the battery had run out and the line was cut.

The phone was fully charged, but by the time the vibrations stopped, the battery was nearly drained. Only Ruan Youran knew this number. It was the vessel for all her longing, anxiety, pain, disappointment, and despair from the last three years.

Chu Nian sat on the bed. She read them one by one; she listened to them one by one.

It started with the initial anxiety…

—”Big Goose, where are you? Why haven’t you picked up or texted in two days? Did something happen?”

—”Did your mentor stop you from leaving? At least send a text so I don’t worry. Why isn’t Su Mi picking up either? What are you guys doing?”

—”Pick up the phone!”

—”If you don’t answer, I’m never talking to you again!”

Then came the frantic desperation a month later…

—”What is going on with you?”

—”What happened??? Was there an accident??? Chu Nian!”

—”We’re a married couple! You have problems and you don’t tell me??? Do you want a divorce???”

—”Chu Nian, it’s been thirty-three days. If you don’t reply today, I’m going to go crazy!”

Then the pleading anxiety six months later…

—”Just tell me. What happened to you? There has to be some kind of reply.”

—”Are you sick? Is something wrong?”

—”Nian Nian, I’m begging you, okay? This is the first time since we got married… the first time I’ve begged you like this. Please, just send a message back…”

—”I had a dream. I dreamed you were sitting all alone on a white bed. What happened to you…?”

Then the disappointment after a year…

—”Chu Nian, I think maybe, from the very beginning, you never understood what marriage means, or what it means to have a partner.”

—”I won’t forgive you…”

—”You just left like that. Regardless of the reason, did you ever think of me?”

—”Chu Nian, Chu Nian, Chu Nian… do you have to see me go insane to be satisfied?”

…

Then the hollow calm after a year and a half…

—”You really are a heartless woman.”

—”It’s been exactly 524 days, Chu Nian…”

—”Do you remember our wedding vows? For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad… to never leave or forsake the other until the end of time? You promised me…”

—”I miss you. It hurts so much I can’t breathe…”

—”Where are you? It’s Valentine’s Day.”

—”I just want to see you. Just one look, is that okay?”

—”I beg you…”

Then the finality at the two-year mark.

—”I never thought there would come a day when I’d spend every night unable to sleep, relying on medicine just to work, putting on a fake smile for everyone.”

—”As deep as the love was, that’s how deep the hate is.”

—”I once dreamed of growing old with you until our hair turned white together. Now… the dream is finally over.”

…

Tears fell in torrents. Chu Nian collapsed on the bed, gripping the phone, sobbing uncontrollably until her whole body shook, curling into a ball. The doctor had warned her not to get too distressed. But how could she control herself?

She was in pain. She had nearly died. But no matter how much her body hurt, it couldn’t compare to the pain of Ruan Youran—having her heart, which was full of love, carved with the word “Hate” by her lover’s hand. Stroke by stroke, over and over, hollowing her out, making her wish she were dead.

Three years of missing life.

10,023 messages.

2,322 missed calls.

In that moment, faced with this bloody impact, Chu Nian felt all the explanations she had rehearsed in her mind become pale and hollow. Just as she was sobbing so hard she couldn’t speak, miraculously, the phone rang again. This time, it wasn’t a short vibration, but a continuous melody.

The ringtone was Simple Love, which Ruan Youran had personally set for her years ago.

“I want to hold your hand like this and never let go…”

“Can love be simple, without any hurt…”

“You lean on my shoulder, you sleep on my chest…”

“A life like this, I love you, you love me…”

This had been their simplest wish.

Chu Nian’s hand could barely hold the phone. Constraining her heartbeat, she answered: “Hello?”

After that one “Hello,” there was a long silence on the other end. Then came a soft sigh—partly relieved, partly sad, partly dazed. Ruan Youran murmured: “You finally picked up.”

Yes. Finally. Youran had held this phone through countless breakdowns, agonies, and moments of hatred… and she had never answered. Now, just as Youran had decided to let go and start over, Chu Nian had picked up.

Chu Nian couldn’t speak; she could only let the tears flow.

Youran waited quietly. She wasn’t as explosive or resentful as one might expect. She wasn’t even as shocked as she had been when they first met upon her return. She simply laughed softly, her voice sounding just like it did before Chu Nian left: “Are you crying? Don’t cry.”

…

Even without words, she could still feel Chu Nian’s emotions just like she used to.

Chu Nian wiped her tears. She wanted to say something, but her throat felt blocked.

Youran said gently: “Nian Nian.”

Nian Nian… Hearing that name after so long, Chu Nian’s heart suddenly felt gripped by something. She was terrified.

Youran opened her palm and looked at the ring within it. “Don’t worry, I won’t force you to say anything anymore. Nian Nian, I’m tired. I don’t want to stay tangled like this. Maybe letting you go is letting myself go.”

“Don’t…” Chu Nian’s face was ashen. Her breathing became rapid, and she stumbled, a wave of suffocation hitting her chest. Her soul felt like it was being drained away. Gasping for air, she struggled to stand and frantically fumbled open a drawer. She pulled out her emergency heart medicine, her hands trembling so much the cap flew off and the pills scattered across the floor.

The pills bounced and rolled away. The old Chu Nian, who was a perfectionist and a neat freak, would have been horrified. But now, she crawled on the floor, blindly grabbing two pills and shoving them into her mouth. As the taste of the medicine spread, she finally caught her breath.

Youran’s voice was incredibly flat. “Before, I always wanted to chase you for answers. I used tears, I used fights, I even used the threat of breaking up to try and make you learn how to express yourself. Maybe I was wrong from the start. You are who you are, and you won’t change for anyone. Over these years, I’ve almost lost myself. I don’t want to fight with you anymore, I don’t want to cause scenes, and I certainly don’t want to desperately beg for love or try to find myself in your eyes… Nian Nian, in three days, let’s meet at the school. Our beginning was there; it should end there too, shouldn’t it?”

With that “shouldn’t it?”, the Youran who promised not to cry felt the tears fall again. She wiped them away and murmured: “This is the last time I’ll cry for you. The very last time…”

In the past, when they talked on the phone, Youran would always linger, acting spoiled and refusing to hang up, leaving Chu Nian to do it.

But now, Ruan Youran pressed the end call button.

Let it be.

Youran raised her arm, shielding her eyes from the stinging sunlight. From now on, she was going to start her new life.