Appearing on a Marriage Show Before Getting Divorced - Chapter 30

“Don’t move, Big Flower has had it hard.”

“Don’t make a sound, either. It will disturb them.”

…

What Big Flower and Susu had been wrestling with all these years, and how chaotic their relationship had been—Ruan Youran naturally knew, as she was the kind of person who used to share even the scent of a fart with Chu Nian.

She was considering the other couple, yet her own heart was being put through a grueling trial.

When you have loved someone for a long time, the natural scent of their skin, the softness of their hair, the warmth of their body… they are all fatal temptations.

Youran remained motionless. With Chu Nian pressing against her like this, they could hear each other’s heartbeats in that moment.

As Chu Nian leaned a little closer, Youran tilted her head to the side, her voice low and strained: “Don’t come any closer.”

She didn’t want to be tainted by hope again. After a brief moment of happiness, there would only be endless sorrow, pain, and a separation that could reappear at any moment.

Youran was afraid. Once fearless, this time, she was truly scared by the trauma.

Chu Nian felt as if a knife had carved out a piece of her heart. She stopped moving and simply lay obediently on top of Youran, whispering softly: “I miss you. I miss you so, so much…”

Youran’s body stiffened.

In the past… because of work, she and Chu Nian had been separated more than once. Sometimes for months. When they reunited, Youran would hold her and couldn’t help but kiss her, asking, “Did you miss me?”

Chu Nian would usually lower her head with a red face. Youran was satisfied just seeing that. At night, she would pester Chu Nian, and only at the brink of losing control would Chu Nian softly utter a “Yes.” Youran would be as happy as a child and pull her close once more.

And now, Chu Nian had proactively spoken of her longing.

Youran felt as if her long-closed heart had been splashed with cold water—there was no joy, only heartache.

Big Flower and Susu were incredibly persistent. One wave followed another, and the various unmentionable sounds could not be covered up. Chu Nian stayed there, pinned against Youran, the two of them so close there was virtually no gap between them.

It was a torment… a truly unbearable torment.

People in love always wish to be tightly bound together, both spiritually and physically. That was how the old Ruan Youran was; even if she and Chu Nian fought until the heavens shook, a single bout of intimate passion could resolve everything.

But… the first time Chu Nian came back to find her, they had shared a so-called “divorce hookup.” Back then, they were both distracted. Chu Nian hadn’t even taken off her clothes. Youran couldn’t find the feeling of being in love. At that moment, she knew that many things had changed.

Sex without love is just sex.

After an unknown amount of time, the two in the room finally decided to leave. Big Flower was still cursing: “You’re a jerk, fuck!”

Susu seemed to be putting on her clothes, smiling: “Don’t act so high and mighty. If you really didn’t want to, how could I have held you down with my little strength? Wasn’t your heart willing?”

Big Flower gnashed her teeth: “You just have me figured out, don’t you?”

…

Their words were like fists, landing one by one on the faces of Youran and Chu Nian.

Until they left, Youran assumed that given Chu Nian’s personality, she would immediately pull away. But she didn’t… Chu Nian just stayed there leaning against her, silently breathing in her familiar scent, not moving an inch.

Left with no choice, Youran reached out to push her off and switched on the lights.

In the past, when she met Chu Nian, she always wanted to turn the lights off to hide in the darkness. Now, this kind of ambiguity made her want to see the light as quickly as possible.

The air was still thick with an indescribable, lingering intimacy. Chu Nian’s eyes seemed tinged with a flicker of fire as she stared at Youran. Youran refused to meet her gaze. As if nothing had happened, she turned and walked out.

A soft sigh echoed in the room. After a long silence, Chu Nian also returned to the banquet.

The party was halfway through, and everyone had reached the stage of drinking games and finger-guessing. Most were drunk out of their minds. Youran said nothing; she picked up a glass and downed it.

The ice-cold alcohol, with its sharp, stinging taste, slid down her throat. Youran felt a bit better—at least the stimulation cleared her head.

The moment Chu Nian walked in and saw this, her expression shifted slightly. She said nothing, but sat back in her seat and watched Youran quietly.

In addition to the hard liquor, Youran drank several beers. she joined the crowd, laughing and making noise, playing games back and forth as if she were her old self.

Big Flower sat next to Youran, now looking perfectly respectable as if nothing had happened: “Nian Nian, what’s with Jianjian? She seems a bit off.”

Chu Nian said nothing.

Susu, beside her, nodded and looked at Youran thoughtfully: “Yeah. Her smile looks more painful than crying.”

The onlookers saw clearly. That one sentence made Chu Nian want to get dead drunk herself.

By the end of the chaos, the room was filled with the smell of smoke and booze. People began saying their goodbyes in twos and threes. The class monitor was so drunk he couldn’t stand straight, yet he was still trying to call taxis for everyone or assigning those who hadn’t drunk to drive the others home.

Youran was so drunk she was slumped over the table. This time she was truly wasted, a complete indulgence. Her head throbbed, her chest felt tight, and waves of dizziness surged over her.

Eventually, a familiar body leaned in. A cool hand gently brushed her forehead. She was helped up; she wanted to push the person away, but she no longer had the strength.

Chu Nian supported Youran as they walked out. It was dark, and after a thought, she draped her coat over Youran’s shoulders. A classmate saw them and said with a laugh:

“Wow, Nian Nian, after all these years, your relationship is still so good.”

…

Chu Nian didn’t respond. She could feel Youran’s discomfort and only wanted to get her home quickly.

Carefully supporting her, Chu Nian adjusted the back seat so Youran could lie at a comfortable angle. Youran felt terrible; she wanted to vomit but couldn’t.

Big Flower came out to say goodbye. She hugged Chu Nian and whispered in her ear: “Be happy, Nian Nian.”

She felt that Chu Nian wasn’t happy, and Jianjian wasn’t either—and it was completely different from the petty squabbles of the past. Perhaps something major had truly happened.

Chu Nian patted her back gently: “You take care of yourself, too.”

In the car, Chu Nian kept checking on Youran in the back seat. The atmosphere was heavy, so she turned on the music.

—Do you know the taste of missing someone? It’s like drinking a glass of ice-cold water, and then taking a long, long time to let it turn into hot tears, drop by drop…

It was Ruan Youran’s voice. In the years after Chu Nian left, when Youran was so pained and lonely she felt she was going mad, she had no way to vent except to go to a recording studio and record songs. Once they were finished, she would listen to them in the car, listening until she cried. It was a stubborn form of self-punishment. Even so, she didn’t want to step out of that cycle.

Three years… so many days and nights, so many tears.

When the song ended, Chu Nian’s tears slid down her cheeks. Looking back, she saw that Youran, in the back seat, was also covered in tears.

When they got out of the car, they surprisingly found Soya waiting there. She had come to find Youran, and knowing she was out, she waited by the door. Ruan Qiu had invited her in, but she refused.

Seeing Youran drunk and being supported by Chu Nian, Soya walked over, looking at her with concern: “Rose, what happened? Are you okay?”

This girl truly loved Ruan Youran. Chu Nian looked at Soya; when you truly love someone, your expression and eyes cannot lie.

The two of them helped Youran into the house. Ruan Qiu and Chu Qing met them at the door. Ruan Qiu sighed softly: “Drinking again?”

Chu Qing turned: “I’ll go make some hangover soup.”

In the past, Ruan Youran had despised people who drank and smoked. To her, it was an irresponsible form of escapism, the behavior of a coward. A confident, beloved girl like her would walk out of even the greatest sorrow—especially since she had Chu Nian by her side; if she was sad, a hug and a kiss would fix it.

Who could have guessed that she would become the very version of herself she used to loathe?

Lying on the bed, Youran felt a crushing discomfort in her chest. Soya watched her quietly from the side. Unlike the sharp, aggressive look she’d had during their previous meetings, she looked haggard now, her gaze toward Youran full of helplessness and fragility.

Chu Nian took off Youran’s shoes, loosened her collar, and got a hot towel to wipe her face. As she wiped… Youran began to cry. The tears fell drop by drop, like a wronged child.

Soya bit her lip. She said no more, turned, and left quickly. Before leaving, she pulled the door shut.

Ruan Qiu followed her a few steps: “Soya, won’t you… stay and eat something?”

Soya’s voice was heavy: “Auntie, I’m here to say goodbye. I’m going back to the US the day after tomorrow. When Rose wakes up, please tell her.”

…

Alas, since ancient times, the word “love” has been the most wounding.

In the room, Chu Nian was also weeping. She gently stroked Youran’s hair, murmuring: “I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

Countless “I’m sorrys.” The words she couldn’t say before were finally coming out.

Youran suddenly opened her eyes. They were filled with confusion, vulnerability, and a trace of resentment and indignation.

“You’re back… why did you only come back now?”

She murmured the words, reeking of alcohol. Perhaps only when drunk could the current Ruan Youran speak the truths in her heart. Chu Nian watched her, weeping silently.

Youran grabbed her hand and stared into her eyes: “You wanted me to die, didn’t you? Didn’t you?! What happened to you that you couldn’t tell me? You just left, Chu Nian!!! I was going crazy, do you know that???? I searched every place I could think of. I went to Big Flower and I nearly knelt to her just to know where you went!!!! Whether you were alive or dead, you could have given me one word. Why… why did you just leave me all alone like this…”

She wailed, her grief uncontrollable, her body shaking. Her temples throbbed with pain; she couldn’t even see the Chu Nian in front of her clearly.

“What did you promise me back then??? You said we’d be together in life and death!!! Chu Nian, do you know we were married? I am your wife, you are my spouse, what happened that you couldn’t tell me???? Do you know these years… I…”

The dizziness was too much. Youran had to press her hand to her forehead as memories flooded back. She sobbed: “At first… I thought something had happened to you. I was so scared I held my phone and didn’t dare sleep for a second… The next day, I dreamed you were covered in blood, lying alone on an operating table, and you didn’t want me anymore… I was so sad, so scared, I ran over trying to grab your bed, but I couldn’t catch it… Chu Nian, after all these years, do you still not know what my love for you is like??? If you were really sick, if there was something you couldn’t say, tell me. I could have faced life and death with you… even for one day… even for one second, as long as you didn’t leave, we would be together…”

Tears soaked the pillow. Youran felt as if her heart were being shredded. “But you didn’t. You left alone… I was scared, I was insecure… I even wondered if I had done something wrong, and you were punishing me… But even if I was wrong, you should have told me, and I would have changed… Why say nothing? Why did you say nothing?! I’d rather die with you than live this half-life like a ghost… Do you know? … You don’t know… you don’t know…”

Sometimes alcohol tears away the mask one has worn for too long. In this moment, Youran released everything. She lay on the bed and wailed until she was exhausted, until all the strength in her body was drained, and she drifted into a heavy sleep.

It was almost laughable. To what depths can love make a person humble and miserable? Youran never thought she would see such a day. Since childhood, she believed she was a favorite of the heavens—an enviable family, doting mothers, a face no one could forget, countless friends, and admiration…

But no one knew. The only thing she ever truly wanted was Chu Nian, yet that was the one thing she could never have.

Chu Nian huddled to the side, her head bowed as tears fell one by one to the floor. “Tomorrow… when you wake up, I will tell you everything.”