Not Just Friends - Chapter 5

She had not even drunk any alcohol tonight, so how had she lost her head like this?

Standing in front of Shen Zhong’s door, Bai Muxi thought exactly that.

Even though Shen Zhong had repeatedly emphasized that the security in her residential community was excellent and that no one would photograph them, Bai Muxi still inexplicably felt the discomfort of someone committing a crime. But things had already come to this. She was already here. All she could do was brace herself and follow behind Shen Zhong, entering stiffly after Shen Zhong opened the door, then uselessly startled by the soft click of the door closing.

Before that anxious feeling could fade, Bai Muxi heard rustling sounds coming from inside the house. Then came a series of rather hurried little footsteps. A fluffy bundle of snow burst into her sight. The Samoyed, delighted by the sound of the door opening, nearly plunged headfirst into Bai Muxi’s arms. Only when it was almost at the door did it belatedly realize that the person in front of it was not Shen Zhong. It hesitated, hit the brakes, and let out a few puzzled little whines.

“Haru!”

Bai Muxi’s eyes lit up. She crouched down and tentatively reached out toward the dog, who was even bigger than she remembered. Haru touched her hand with its wet nose. Before it could sniff out anything in particular, its owner came forward and nudged it toward the person in front of it, who smelled very familiar.

Bai Muxi instinctively raised her arms and hugged the big dog fully. Holding the Samoyed, she petted it affectionately for a while, from under its neck all the way up to its head. The Samoyed named Haru had clearly been trained very well. It was gentle and friendly by nature, and very quickly threw aside that first bit of unfamiliarity, beginning to happily lick her palm. It tickled so much that Bai Muxi laughed.

“It doesn’t seem to remember me very well.” Petting Haru’s head with slightly rusty movements, Bai Muxi smiled as she spoke. “That makes sense. It’s been so long since we last met.”

Shen Zhong looked at her. After a long while, she said, “When I’m very busy, I usually hire someone to take care of it. If you say it doesn’t remember you, then it probably doesn’t remember me very well either.”

She was obviously comforting her. Bai Muxi smiled and lowered her eyes.

Haru was still the gift she had once given Shen Zhong.

Back then, Shen Zhong had just officially moved into her own place and started living independently. Bai Muxi had given her Haru, who at the time was still only a tiny little bundle, as a housewarming gift. Thinking about it now, it really had not been a very suitable choice of gift. Taking care of a puppy was something that required a lot of effort, and Shen Zhong herself had been incredibly busy then. But the young Bai Muxi had not considered things that thoroughly. She had only heard Shen Zhong casually mention during a chat that she liked Samoyeds, and so she brought Haru home.

Even its name had been chosen by her. At the time, she had been into Japanese anime. This syllable meant spring in Japanese. When she brought Haru to Shen Zhong’s home, she had spoken with great solemnity, as if making an important declaration.

“I’m giving spring to you.”

Thinking about it now, it was a little embarrassing in a cringey, middle-schooler sort of way. But Shen Zhong had not laughed at her, nor had she refused. She had accepted it very simply, her clear brows and eyes gentle with a smile, and replied:

“Then even after spring passes, you can still come here and see it.”

Unfortunately, that had not come true. For the past four years, Bai Muxi had not seen spring again.

“Why are you just standing at the door? Come in and sit.”

Shen Zhong’s voice pulled her out of her memories. The person and dog stopped in the entryway both paused. Bai Muxi instinctively let go and watched Haru rub around her once before eagerly trotting over to Shen Zhong’s legs. Bai Muxi herself, however, still did not move forward. She only stood up somewhat awkwardly.

“…I won’t go in.” She braced herself and said it, trying hard not to look too much at the decorations inside the house. All she could do was look straight at Shen Zhong. “I only came to see Haru. Now that I’ve seen it, I’m getting ready to leave.”

Shen Zhong’s motion of taking off her trench coat paused. She did not continue. The hand resting on her lapel unconsciously tightened its grip.

That momentary daze on Shen Zhong’s face was seen clearly by Bai Muxi. Bai Muxi felt that what she had said was reasonable and proper. Seeing that the other party did not answer, she could only keep rambling on by herself.

“Look, it’s already late. You should rest early too. There’s no curfew where I live, but it’s still not very good to go back too late—”

“…You only just got here.”

Shen Zhong suddenly interrupted Bai Muxi. She looked over at her blankly, her voice very soft.

“And you already want to leave?”

“I was thinking… there are so many things I want to say to you. We haven’t seen each other in so long, and I…”

Shen Zhong looked a little at a loss. Her words became disordered, and her speaking speed unconsciously quickened.

“For example, how you lived while you were abroad, whether there was anything you couldn’t get used to, why you suddenly went on a variety show, whether you’re happy being a singer, whether your agency treats you well, and also…”

As she spoke, she suddenly stopped.

Bai Muxi watched as Shen Zhong abruptly pressed her lips tightly together, the line of her mouth drawn very straight. Yet in those long, deep eyes, there seemed to be melted ice crystals. When she looked over, Bai Muxi inexplicably felt flustered.

“…Do you still…”

Shen Zhong murmured, her voice very soft. But what she said after that was completely unrelated to the words before it. It was a very private question.

“Muxi, do you still like me?”

This question came a little later than Bai Muxi had expected.

She thought Shen Zhong would ask it while they were having dinner.

She had been asked this once before too. At that time, she had been so panicked she was a complete mess. She had been chased into a dead end with nowhere to run, and her memories of it were all wreckage. But now was different. Now it was different.

Bai Muxi grew unbelievably calm.

She looked at Shen Zhong, looked at the person who had appeared in her dreams countless times during the days they had not seen each other.

She knew how to answer.

This time, she knew the standard answer.

Only after closing the door did Shen Zhong feel tired.

The exhaustion from working all day belatedly surged over her like a tide. Shen Zhong took off her trench coat and hung it up, then sat down on the sofa. Haru lay by her feet, its bright black eyes looking over innocently, as if it did not understand why its owner looked so unhappy.

In the end, Bai Muxi had still not come inside. She had really done exactly what she had been invited to do: come to see Haru. She had only stood in the entryway for a while before preparing to leave. Shen Zhong used the excuse of walking the dog to send her downstairs. Bai Muxi very considerately accompanied Shen Zhong through the whole walk, answering every question Shen Zhong had mentioned along the way. She answered when asked and smiled gently. On their third lap past the building, she parted from Shen Zhong. When she turned and walked out of Shen Zhong’s sight, she did not look back.

The urge to go forward and grab Bai Muxi was very strong.

But what reason was there? What reason was left?

The large home was frighteningly quiet. Even Haru made no sound. For once, Shen Zhong did not hide her fatigue as she leaned back. The light on the ceiling blurred into a dazzling halo before her eyes. She closed her eyes, and all that remained in front of her was a mass of indistinct shadows.

Why?

Why did she feel as if Bai Muxi was so far away from her?

It had not been like this before. Shen Zhong thought. The Bai Muxi from before had been like a little sun with endless energy. Ignoring distance, ignoring rejection, she would crash into Shen Zhong, trying every possible way to get close to her. Shen Zhong had found it adorable. Although she never said it out loud, she had never had the heart to truly push her away.

She had only pushed her away that one time. She had not expected it to last as long as four years.

Although it had only just happened, Shen Zhong still could not understand why this reunion had made her show such a state of panic and chaos. It was not that she had never imagined that meeting Bai Muxi again might feel more distant than before, but she had not expected it to reach this point. In the end, she had still lost her composure.

When she wanted Bai Muxi to stay, the words she said had not been thought through at all. She had only been thinking that saying anything would be fine, any topic would do, as long as it could stop Bai Muxi from following the conversation straight out of there. Just as now, she also could not understand why she had abruptly asked that question afterward.

She had asked the same question once back then too. She had gone to Bai Muxi’s side while Bai Muxi was studying abroad, and the scene she saw afterward had almost become her nightmare for the past few years.

She had never seen Bai Muxi like that. Tears were clearly falling without stopping, yet Bai Muxi bit down hard and refused to make a sound. When Shen Zhong reached out in a panic to wipe them away for her, her hand met only empty air.

That was the first time Bai Muxi had dodged her.

Thinking back on it, it still felt like yesterday.

The person three years younger than her, who had always liked clinging to her, slowly retreated a few steps in the direction away from her. Those eyes that had always been smiling lost their light and were red beyond recognition. Her clear voice had turned hoarse with sobs as she said, Why are you asking me this question, Shen Zhong? Why are you chasing after me now?

One day, I’ll stop liking you. One day, I’ll be able to go back and properly be your friend. I’ll return home after I’ve figured it out. But, but before that…

…Don’t contact me. Don’t come looking for me. Even if I’m begging you, Shen Zhong.

Compared to every other emotion, the first thing that had surged up in Shen Zhong was actually the vague thought that this time, she was begging so seriously.

Bai Muxi often begged her. A child in her teens, yet in front of Shen Zhong, she seemed to have none of a teenager’s pride. If Shen Zhong teased her even a little, she would anxiously scoot closer, her gaze clear and carefree like an innocent god’s, calling out again and again, please, please.

And so Shen Zhong had carried out her request from that time with exceptional seriousness too. She had truly been trying hard. During the four years Bai Muxi was studying abroad, she did not disturb her. Even when she occasionally heard news about Bai Muxi from other people, she did not dare contact her. She thought that since Muxi was willing to come back, they should be able to meet very soon.

Today, she had failed to hold back.

But she really had waited for a very long time. A very, very long time. When a chance to see Bai Muxi suddenly fell in front of her, how could she possibly endure it?

But Bai Muxi had not smiled at her today.

Not the stiff, polite smile she showed on the program, but a sincere one, like the warm sunlight Shen Zhong had been able to see every time they met in the past.

As for that question Shen Zhong asked again, Bai Muxi had looked extremely composed, calm and unruffled. She had smiled at Shen Zhong soundlessly. She seemed to have grown even taller than the last time they met, but she had become so thin that the baby fat that used to be on her face had vanished, and the lines of her features had become clearer. During the days they had not seen each other, she had grown into a beautiful adult. Her entire being possessed a flower-like handsomeness.

She opened her mouth, her eyes clear and clean, and responded gently.

“In the sense of being friends, of course I like you.”

On that night much longer ago, when Shen Zhong had received Bai Muxi’s confession, she remembered saying something similar as her response.

At the time, Bai Muxi had been silent for a long time. Then she had slowly sat up straight. When she spoke, her voice was trembling, as if every sound made her tongue fall onto the tip of a needle. Yet she stubbornly stared at Shen Zhong without blinking and said:

“I don’t want to be friends.”

“I never… never wanted to be friends with you.”

For some reason, there was a dull, empty feeling inside her. Shen Zhong opened her eyes and sat up. Even when she was exhausted, she rarely went into this kind of blank state after coming home without tidying up or washing first. Perhaps Haru also sensed that something was wrong with her, because it had not gone back to its own bed. Seeing her sit up, it immediately lifted its head and whimpered softly, placing its fluffy head on her knee.

Shen Zhong reached out and gently stroked its soft, smooth fur, moving from under its neck up to its head, then unconsciously stopping at the place Bai Muxi had touched.

Only during those few minutes with Haru had Bai Muxi smiled like she used to.

Shen Zhong lowered her eyes, rubbed Haru’s head, and murmured softly, “…Next time, you have to behave well too.”

Haru did not know what its owner was saying, nor did it know whether she was speaking to it. It only felt that it had actually gone out to play twice today. Its owner was truly too good to it.

Author’s Note:

In any case, let me give a warning first. Shen Zhong is a very twisted, awkward—I don’t really know what word to use—kind of character. She is many times more troublesome than Muxi. When it comes to romance, she is both slow and hard to deal with. She needs to be knocked into shape.

Anyway, the point is to make Teacher Shen wake up. Everyone still has quite a bit of suffering ahead.