Chapter 19
Lin Xiaogu’s entire world suddenly plunged into darkness.
It did not gradually dim. There was only an abrupt snap, as though someone had switched off the lights and stripped away every trace of brightness in an instant.
In the darkness, her remaining four senses became painfully amplified.
A strong taste of blood spread through her mouth, metallic like rust, clinging to the tip of her tongue and refusing to fade. It was far too familiar—the same taste as the dead fish from many years ago.
That smell had surrounded her then, throughout that endless evening beside the garbage bin, after every last trace of light had vanished.
At some point, the temperature seemed to drop.
Cold seeped outward from the cracks between her bones. Beginning at her fingertips, it crept upward inch by inch.
Her entire body trembled. Her teeth lightly knocked together, yet there was nothing she could bite down on.
She curled into herself and wrapped her arms around her body.
But even her own embrace was cold.
It felt as though she had been abandoned once again.
Just like that year. Just like every other time.
Someone had left her where she stood and walked away without once looking back.
There was no sound around her.
Only her heartbeat.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Each beat heavier than the last.
Each beat emptier than the one before it.
If her love with Yu Baiyi had been a lie from beginning to end—or a game in which Lin Xiaogu had been the only one who took it seriously—then losing that love would merely bring the absurd performance to an end.
If everything afterward would simply return to how it had once been, then what was there left to fear?
Lin Xiaogu had never imagined that she would be the first to say these words.
She was like a long-distance runner who had already been exhausted beyond endurance, trapped all this time in a current of grief that flowed against her.
“Baiyi… we should separate.”
Lin Xiaogu desperately tried to stop herself from crying or feeling sad.
She should have grown accustomed to being alone long ago.
She had already learned how to be strong, how not to make herself unlikeable, and how not to make pointless attempts to keep someone who wanted to leave.
Then why?
Why did saying the word separate still cause such agonizing pain?
It felt as though someone had seized her heart tightly in one hand and continued squeezing, harder and harder, twisting it until it was nearly deformed.
Lin Xiaogu covered her eyes with both hands.
Yet her tears still slipped through the gaps between her fingers…
The room abruptly fell silent.
No one knew how long passed before Yu Baiyi finally found her voice again.
She stared in disbelief, and even her voice began to tremble.
“What… did you say?”
“Lin Xiaogu, what did you just say? Say it again if you dare!”
“I said we should separate.”
This time, Yu Baiyi heard her clearly.
“Separate?”
Yu Baiyi’s expression became distorted.
She could not believe those words had come from Lin Xiaogu. She could not believe that the person she had personally raised and cared for now stood before her and said she wanted to break up.
“Lin Xiaogu, do you understand what you’re saying? Have you lost your mind?” Yu Baiyi demanded in disbelief.
“You’ve always known what my temper is like. You said you could accept my anger and selfishness. Didn’t you?”
“Yes…”
“Didn’t I tell you from the very beginning that wherever you went and whoever you were with, you had to tell me? Didn’t you agree?”
“…Yes.”
“You promised not to put a password on your phone. You also agreed that I could look through your messages whenever I wanted. Didn’t you?”
Lin Xiaogu bit her lower lip.
“Yes…”
Yu Baiyi suddenly raised her voice.
“And now you want to break up with me just because I looked at your phone tonight?!”
Her voice exploded through the empty living room, the final syllable trembling slightly.
“Lin Xiaogu, we agreed to all of this during our first year together. For three years, you never once said no. And now you’re telling me that because I looked at a few photographs on your phone and asked you several questions, you suddenly can’t endure it anymore?”
She stepped forward, glaring down at Lin Xiaogu.
“Were those words yours or not? Did you personally make those promises? Did I force you? Did I hold a knife to your throat and make you agree?”
Lin Xiaogu whispered through her trembling, “No…”
Yu Baiyi took several deep breaths, attempting to control her emotions.
“Then tell me what this is really about!”
Lin Xiaogu thought, No. That isn’t it.
It was not because of her phone.
She did not mind Yu Baiyi looking through it and never would have minded…
Then why?
Was it because she no longer loved Baiyi?
But merely mentioning a breakup made her heart ache so terribly, so that could not be it either…
Perhaps she was simply completely disappointed.
Yet she had already known Yu Baiyi was engaged. She had already accepted the fact that Yu Baiyi would never marry her.
Lin Xiaogu’s thoughts were in utter chaos. She could barely think like a normal person anymore.
Was it because Yu Baiyi despised her for being a Beta?
Yes.
That seemed to be it.
Lin Xiaogu remembered now.
The person she had believed was closest to her, the person with whom she had believed she shared no secrets, the person she had thought she could entrust with the rest of her life—
That person had always been ashamed of her identity.
That realization struck Lin Xiaogu harder than anything else ever had.
It hurt more than every previous wound.
It was as though all these years had instantly been reduced to nothing more than her own one-sided sentimentality.
All of it had been an illusion.
Why had Yu Baiyi said those things to her?
Why had she treated her this way?
Lin Xiaogu wrapped both arms around herself as though that were the only way she could feel safe.
Yu Baiyi became both furious and anxious when Lin Xiaogu remained silent.
“Lin Xiaogu, wake up! You love me. I’m the one you love!”
Lin Xiaogu finally raised her head.
She loved Baiyi.
Yes.
But when had that love begun to feel so heavy?
“Fine, Lin Xiaogu. Remember this—”
Yu Baiyi snatched the phone from the sofa and raised her arm high, preparing to smash it against the floor.
Her hand froze in midair for a second.
In the end, she restrained herself.
The phone was violently thrown onto the sofa cushion instead. It bounced once before falling onto the floor.
“You were the one who said we should separate!”
She turned and stormed toward the door.
The moment her hand closed around the handle, she suddenly looked back.
Her eyes were completely red, her lips pressed into a tight line, and her chest rose and fell violently.
“Think carefully about who saved you back then! Then think about the present and ask yourself which one of us truly can’t live without the other!”
She yanked the door open, allowing cold wind to rush inside.
“Unless you beg me, I’ll never come back for the rest of my life!”
The door slammed shut with a deafening bang.
A sharp sound echoed through the air as the door closed.
Lin Xiaogu remained seated on the floor, expressionless, watching Yu Baiyi walk out of their home step by step.
She had been the one to suggest breaking up.
She had also been the one who allowed Baiyi to leave.
She had no right to call her back now.
Lin Xiaogu sat limply on the floor, her limbs weak and her face pale.
She tried to pick up the phone that had fallen nearby, but her outstretched right hand would not stop trembling.
In the end, she could only withdraw it and wipe the tears from her face.
Yu Baiyi.
Baiyi.
Yu Baiyi…
She still remembered that night.
She had been so desperately hungry that some unknown burst of strength had entered her thin, weakened body, giving her the courage to fight a stray dog for food.
But she had been too foolish.
Not only had she failed to obtain the food, she had also enraged the dog.
Just when she thought she would die there, a woman chased the animal away and extended her right hand toward her.
Later, that woman told Lin Xiaogu her name was Yu Baiyi—
Bai, as in daylight, and Yi, as in following closely behind.
That woman named Yu Baiyi gave her new clothes and allowed her to live in a villa.
More importantly, Yu Baiyi’s appearance allowed Lin Xiaogu to experience the beauty of love for the first time.
Those moments when seeing Yu Baiyi’s eyes made her blush for no reason.
Those times when Yu Baiyi smiled and Lin Xiaogu’s own lips curved along with hers.
Those late nights when Yu Baiyi gently embraced her from behind…
Those romantic, happy moments.
Looking back now, those kisses and embraces had been so beautiful—beautiful enough to make Lin Xiaogu believe that drawing closer to Yu Baiyi meant moving farther away from pain.
Because Lin Xiaogu had always lived in darkness, she believed Baiyi was the sun heaven had given her.
With Baiyi, daylight finally entered her world.
Lin Xiaogu covered her ears, her eyes remaining wide open and unblinking.
Her soul seemed to have left her body, passed through the atmosphere, and drifted into the sky and even farther away.
In those distant places, sunlight remained bright, birds continued singing among fragrant flowers, and everything went on as usual.
Lin Xiaogu requested leave from Xi Bingye and slept at home for three days.
During those three days, she could not eat a single bite, yet she did not feel hungry either.
She moved like an empty shell. Most of the time, she merely lay in bed until she drifted into a confused sleep.
Three days later, she finally noticed that her forehead felt somewhat warm.
When she checked her temperature, it was 38.5 degrees Celsius.
So she had developed a fever.
On the final morning of her leave, Lin Xiaogu was awakened early by the piercing sound of the doorbell.
She opened the door.
The moment Luo Yu saw her, she first breathed a sigh of relief. Then she lifted the bags of snacks and meal containers in her hands and smiled.
“I brought you something delicious.”
Lin Xiaogu’s eyes were empty, but she still tried to lift the corners of her lips.
Luo Yu entered.
Her gaze casually swept over the entrance and noticed the matching slippers placed there.
Looking farther into the living room, she saw a pair of matching cushions—one pink and one blue—on the sofa. Even the cups and coasters on the coffee table were matching couple’s sets.
Luo Yu’s expression became slightly unnatural.
However, she merely glanced over everything before quickly looking away without saying a word.
Lin Xiaogu no longer intended to hide anything.
She simply allowed those items to remain displayed throughout the living room. She had neither the strength nor the desire to conceal them anymore.
Lin Xiaogu returned to the bedroom and lay down.
Luo Yu stared at her retreating back for a long time without speaking.
Compared with their previous meeting, Lin Xiaogu—who had already been thin—had lost a shocking amount of weight.
Her arms were almost nothing but skin and bone. Beneath the fabric covering her slender back, the outlines of her shoulder blades were clearly visible, jutting out so sharply that it was frightening.
Luo Yu did not know what Lin Xiaogu had experienced over the past few days.
But anyone with eyes could see that she was in terrible condition.
Extremely terrible.
It was not ordinary exhaustion.
It was as though her entire being had been hollowed out.
Her eyes were deeply sunken, her lips dry and cracked, and when she stood, her shoulders curved slightly forward as though she might collapse at any moment.
She resembled a plant that had been abandoned beneath the blazing sun for days—every leaf wilted, its roots nearly dried out.
Luo Yu’s nose suddenly stung.
Unable to endure it any longer, she turned away and struggled to force back her tears.
“Baby Xiaogu.”
Luo Yu approached, sat beside the bed, and gently pulled Lin Xiaogu into her arms.
She ultimately failed to suppress the emotion in her voice and whispered through a choked sob,
“I came to see you.”
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