Chapter 39.2

But Che Gulai found her words incredibly cruel.

“So, you don’t need my compensation. I am not that Shen Sijin. There is no need for us to meet again.”

Che Gulai rushed forward, gripping her shoulders. “What do you mean, no need to meet again? I’ve thought about you for five years, thinking every day, ‘If only she hadn’t died.’ Now that you are truly alive, how could I possibly give up?”

Shen Sijin struggled fiercely to break free. “Che Gulai, why don’t you understand? I don’t need your compensation. I just want you to stay away from my life.”

Che Gulai was thrown off balance, stumbling backward.

A brief silence fell over the living room.

After a long time, Che Gulai finally spoke, her voice hoarse. “Sijin, I’m not just trying to compensate you.”

“Then what else is it?”

Che Gulai’s face was pale. Her left leg was throbbing faintly.

She shook her head and said painfully, “I don’t know. I just want to see you. For the past five years, I’ve constantly dreamed of you.”

She looked up at Shen Sijin, murmuring, “Sijin, why did I become like this? Why am I constantly missing you?”

Shen Sijin felt that the current Che Gulai was completely different person.

She was no longer cold, arrogant, and icy. Now, she was distraught and sorrowful, like a trapped bird.

In five years, Che Gulai had changed a lot.

It was true, after all. She had changed a lot too.

No one remained unchanged.

But what was the reason for Che Gulai’s transformation? Shen Sijin was no longer curious.

Hearing her words, Shen Sijin gave a pale smile. “Did you fall in love with her?”

Shen Sijin used the pronoun “her,” referring to the original owner, not herself.

Che Gulai’s eyes fixed on her. Her expression was stunned.

Shen Sijin was tired. “Che Gulai, take your pastries and leave. Don’t ever come back.”

The moment Shen Sijin turned her back, Che Gulai suddenly spoke.

“I don’t know.”

“Sijin, I don’t know if this counts as love,” Che Gulai looked at her frail back. “I’ve been constantly thinking about you. For over five years, I’ve constantly dreamed of you.”

Shen Sijin opened her mouth. “Don’t say it…”

“I think I might love you,” Che Gulai continued, speaking to herself. “But the person I miss is not that Shen Sijin. It’s the Shen Sijin who appeared in the small town after my car accident, the one who stayed by my side.”

“Even now, I came to find you because I missed you.”

Shen Sijin spun around and suddenly slapped her. Then, she grabbed Che Gulai’s collar. Her eyes were wet, and her sweet face was slightly distorted with fury and resentment.

“Che Gulai, how dare you say such a thing? You liked the transmigrated Shen Sijin, but what did you do to her? Were you ever kind to her?”

“I liked you so much back then, yet you still locked me in a psychiatric hospital. I even died there!”

Shen Sijin’s rabbit-like nature rarely expressed anger, but the two greatest emotional outbursts of her life were both directed at Che Gulai.

Che Gulai’s face was swollen from the slap. Her arms hung limply by her unauthorized copy sides. She was held by her collar, offering no resistance.

She listened to Shen Sijin’s heartbreaking words, profoundly silent.

Shen Sijin was always gentle-natured. She was always mild, even when deceived. She would simply silently swallow her pain.

It was Che Gulai who had turned Shen Sijin into this.

Che Gulai felt an intense self-loathing.

She was so distressed she could barely breathe.

Che Gulai could only speak like a weak person, whispering, “I’m sorry, Sijin…”

Shen Sijin’s intense emotions slowly subsided. She released her grip, her voice weary.

“Che Gulai, whatever your feelings for me are now, it’s meaningless. Leave, [bailiantales.com]and stay far away from me.”

Che Gulai shook her head. “I can’t do that, Sijin.”

“I know I’m shameless, clinging to you after what I did. But I wanted to see you too badly…” Che Gulai had shed her former mature coldness. She said with near desperation, “Sijin, I made many mistakes in the past. No one ever liked me. Back then… I couldn’t believe you truly loved me, so…”

Her eyes regained their composure.

“Sijin, I wronged you in the past. I was wrong in every way. I won’t argue that.”

Che Gulai’s tone was resolute. “Even if you find me disgusting and brazen, I still won’t leave you. I will atone for my mistakes.”

“Even if it takes the rest of my life.”

Shen Sijin said slowly, “Do you think I will forget the past and forgive you?”

Che Gulai opened her mouth, about to speak, but Shen Sijin added quickly.

“But I can’t forget. Every time I think of how the things I gave you became trash, how you betrayed my sincerity, how I was unloved like a clown—all of this prevents my heart from finding peace.”

Che Gulai’s heart began to ache again. She felt like a cardiac patient, with every episode triggered by Shen Sijin.

Shen Sijin said calmly, “Che Gulai, your relentless pursuit will only make me feel disgusted.”

Che Gulai endured the piercing pain in her heart. “Then let it be disgust.”

The door was blown open by the wind, and snow drifted in. The hair of both women was slightly ruffled.

Shen Sijin hadn’t anticipated Che Gulai becoming so thick-skinned. She clutched her head, shaking her head in distress.

“Che Gulai, what is the point of all this?”

Che Gulai closed her eyes weakly.

“It has a point.”

“From now on, I will always care about you.”

Shen Sijin felt nauseous. An uncontrollable retching sensation rose in her throat. She covered her mouth and dry-heaved a few times. Che Gulai wanted to step forward but dared not.

Shen Sijin abruptly shoved the pastries into Che Gulai’s hands and pushed her out the door.

“Sijin—”

“Che Gulai, never come here again.”

“And don’t call me Sijin.”

The door was shut. Che Gulai banged on the door, constantly shouting her name.

But the door never opened.

The snow fell relentlessly, quickly covering Che Gulai’s shoulders. Her left leg began to ache again.

But she didn’t care at all. She stood rigidly outside the door, freezing cold, her leg throbbing.

She could barely stand.

Shen Sijin’s reaction was like being pierced by countless needles, tearing her skin. She felt an unbearable, pervasive misery.

But she couldn’t blame anyone.

It was her own doing.

Even so, she didn’t want to give up on Shen Sijin.

Che Gulai was surrounded by cold affection. She had never been treated with normal human emotion in her life, so she had inevitably become one of those people herself.

She had received so little emotion, and in this entire life, she had only one Shen Sijin.

She was experiencing the pain of loving someone for the first time, but she didn’t want to give up. Love was too rare. Cold as she was, even if scorned, she would hold onto it by any means necessary.

Although the path ahead was difficult, Che Gulai would not abandon Shen Sijin.

She stood outside the door for a very long time. Her leg was numb from the cold and the pain. Finally, when Shen Sijin’s light went out, Che Gulai limped away.

Her pastries were abandoned on the ground. The already stale pastries were buried under the snow, hidden from the light.

Since that night, Che Gulai stopped visiting her, and Tan Yao didn’t mention Che Gulai to her either.

It was as if the hysterical confrontation between the two had been an illusion.

Shen Sijin hoped Che Gulai had truly understood and would stop looking for her.

Shen Sijin was shocked that Che Gulai had read her notes and could understand why Che Gulai sought her out afterward.

Guilt, most likely.

But her guilt was meaningless to Shen Sijin.

And as for her claiming to love her, Shen Sijin didn’t believe those few words at all.

Insincere pretense.

Shen Sijin continued to be busy as usual. As the weather grew cold, evening self-study at school ended earlier.

The streetlights on her way home had recently broken. Shen Sijin [unauthorized copy]was always a little anxious walking that road.

First, her vision was poor, and she often stumbled. Second, she was afraid of the dark.

She had to psych herself up every night.

But for the past few days, whenever she passed that road, a car would conveniently drive by, lighting up the entire street with its headlights, and finally stopping near her house.

At first, she thought it was just a coincidence. Then she realized the car drove by almost every night just as she was coming home.

She even wondered if it was an illegal taxi, but then she found out the car was just driving through that area.

Many times, she tried to let the car pass, but the car stayed behind her. Even when she moved to the side, the car didn’t move.

Shen Sijin was curious about the driver, but it was dark. Even with the headlights, her eyes couldn’t make out the person inside, and she couldn’t clearly see the car either.

She wanted to thank the driver.

But the car window never opened, and the driver remained silent when she asked questions.

Eventually, Shen Sijin classified the driver as a kind eccentric.

That night, Tan Yao was already asleep. Hearing the sound of the door opening, she put on a blanket and walked to the living room.

“You drove over to Teacher Shen’s place again.”

Che Gulai looked unwell. Her cheeks were unusually flushed. She constantly coughed into her hand.

“You’re still awake?” Che Gulai’s voice was extremely hoarse and dry. She coughed again after speaking.

Tan Yao poured her a glass of hot water. “I was just about to sleep.”

Che Gulai limped to the living room sofa. Because of the constant rain and snow lately, her [stolen content]left leg hadn’t gotten any better.

“You went out even though you’re sick,” Tan Yao said, patting her back.

Since that night Che Gulai inexplicably came home soaked in snow, she had been running a high fever and coughing. Neither medicine nor injections seemed to help.

She didn’t care, though, continuing to work even while sick, causing the fever to return repeatedly. Tan Yao had forced her to rest well these past few days.

Just when the fever finally subsided, she drove out again a few nights ago and didn’t return until very late.

And then the fever returned.

It had been like this for several consecutive days. Her leg hurt in the rainy weather, yet she insisted on driving out.

Tan Yao later found out that the streetlight near her teacher’s house was broken. The snowy road was slippery, and Shen Sijin couldn’t see the path and often fell. That’s why Che Gulai came up with this idea.

“Why don’t you tell your teacher?”

Che Gulai sipped the water and said faintly, “No need.”

It truly wasn’t necessary.

If Shen Sijin knew she was following her, she would certainly be unhappy.

She had just angered Shen Sijin that night. She didn’t want to upset her again so quickly.

Besides, she was sick. Shen Sijin wasn’t physically strong, and she didn’t want to transmit the illness to her.

Tan Yao, a middle school student, didn’t understand adult emotions. She found a hot water bottle and placed it on Che Gulai’s leg.

She also found some fever reducers and made her take them.

Che Gulai lay on the sofa, already asleep. She wasn’t sleeping well, ​unauthorized copy​though, her brows tightly furrowed. She was murmuring something.

Tan Yao helped her to the bedroom and finally heard what she was saying.

She was calling out, “Sijin.”

The streetlight was still broken. Shen Sijin walked home as usual. The car was still following her.

Shen Sijin didn’t go into her house as usual. She walked past her home and continued down the road.

This road didn’t have any streetlights either.

As expected, the car continued to follow her.

Shen Sijin walked slowly forward.

The car behind her seemed to hesitate for a moment but ultimately followed her.

Shen Sijin walked to the seaside.

Tonight’s moon was white and bright, shining softly on the beach.

Shen Sijin was wearing a thick down jacket and a red scarf, staring vacantly at the churning white waves.

She slowly walked forward.

A pair of hands suddenly grabbed her wrist.

“Shen Sijin.”

Che Gulai’s breathless voice sounded behind her.

“What are you doing?”

Shen Sijin’s vacant eyes moved slightly. She turned to look at Che Gulai.

“It was you following me all along.”

Che Gulai ignored her words.

“Why did you come here?”

Shen Sijin didn’t speak.

“Do you come here often?”

“Yes,” she finally replied.

“Come here to… do what?”

“To seek death,” she said calmly.

Che Gulai’s pupils contracted sharply. “You…”

“Today is my mother’s death anniversary,” Shen Sijin suddenly said.

She spoke calmly. “Every year around this time, she always comes to find me and asks me to die with her.”

Che Gulai fell silent.

This was Shen Sijin’s real life.

She had told Che Gulai about her past before, but at the time, Che Gulai thought she was having an episode and didn’t take it seriously.

Thinking about it now, perhaps Shen Sijin, like herself, had a difficult childhood.

No, her adult life wasn’t good either, having been toyed with by a scumbag like her.

Che Gulai wanted to kill her past self once again.

She looked at Shen Sijin’s profile. Her heart ached with pain that flooded her bones like seawater.

Shen Sijin stopped talking about the topic.

“Che Gulai,” she said. “I was too emotional that night. Looking back, neither of us was truly wrong.”

“We were just ill-timed.”

Che Gulai’s face paled slightly.

Shen Sijin buried her face in her scarf and said slowly, “Although this renewed life has caused me suffering, I’m no longer thinking of death. Read on BaiLianTales As things stand, I want to let go of everything in the past and live this life out like still water.”

“Everything in the past…” Che Gulai said with difficulty. “Does that include me?”

“Yes.”

“Che Gulai,” Shen Sijin’s lips curved in a faint smile. “I don’t like you anymore. Perhaps this is where we say goodbye.”

She turned to leave.

“Thank you for lighting the road for me a few days ago,” she smiled faintly and softly. “Don’t do things like that anymore.”

Shen Sijin walked away.

Che Gulai stared at the endless sea, her dark hair blowing in the wind.

She closed her eyes deeply.

There will be no more goodbyes.

“Shen Sijin,” she called out softly.

You have trapped me.